Week 10 – If it is to be, it is up to me

Week 10. I have been trying to think of what I want to do with my life.

I thought of all my ‘doing’ things in the past – looking after the children, caring for my husband, cooking, cleaning, preparing for holidays, taking holidays, involving myself in the children’s activities. All these things were actually part of my ‘being’ a wife and mother. Even running the business was part of providing the finances to feed and educate the children, of providing a secure financially independent retirement for ‘us’ as a couple. Now that my role of ‘wife’ had gone, now the children have grown, now there is no longer ‘us’; do I want to keep doing all these same things? Have they lost their meaning? What am I to do now? What do I want to do?

It suddenly struck me that instead of focusing on all my ‘doing’ things from the past; or trying to find things to ‘do’ in the future, perhaps I should focus on what I wanted to ‘be’.

I decided I needed in the first instance to work on myself, to become strong again, to regain my self-esteem and confidence. Then, when I reached that point, I could continue on a path forward by setting some goals of things to strive for, of things to do. So while I understood and had already resolved that it was up to me to take responsibility to act (‘to do’); underlying that principle was the reason for the actions; the essence of my being of what I wanted to be inside (‘to be’).

I needed to start at the beginning, and the beginning was me and what I wanted to be. I wrote down my main aims for myself as to what I wanted to be and these were –

• Self-fulfilled with a feeling of high self-esteem, self-worth and a true self-identity
• Passionate and optimistic in everything I choose do
• Courageous and determined when faced with life’s difficulties
• Dependable and reliable to my friends and family
• Calm and caring; providing a home of joy, relaxation, peace and comfort
• An inspirational leader providing an atmosphere of trust, tolerance and co-operation
• A person with an inner core of personal strength by developing a framework of values and principles to live by.

I resolved on this day that I alone will be responsible for developing that framework of principles and upholding my values and I alone would empower myself to act on those principles and achieve my aims. I truly would become “the master of my fate, the captain of my soul” (William Henley)

“IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME”

Quote by William H Johnson (I think)