In the steps I have been taking on the journey towards myself, I have been affirming what my beliefs and values are. More and more I realise, however, that what has driven my beliefs and values has been my family. In fact, “family” is one of my most passionate beliefs and I have come to realise that without my family, I would not be who I am today.
As a child, ‘family’ to me meant not only my nuclear family of my parents and siblings, but also my large extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It was here where I learned kindness, empathy, dependability, compassion, integrity and above all, acceptance. It was that sense of belonging, that feeling of the family as the base, the knowing that the family would always accept me; that brought me meaning, peace and comfort. There was always a sense of belonging forged by the coming together of the family at meals, holidays, and special occasions. Rituals, schedules and clear communications provided a further sense of stability.
As I grew older family for me provided strong bonds from which I was able to grow in peace and safety. It prepared me for life experiences; and gave me a belief in myself as being a good person with talents and skills that I could apply in the adult world. It was my refuge; but it was also the place I learned trust, honesty, respect, sharing, tolerance, responsibility, and …… hard work.
.
Clear family values empowered me to make decisions that I could live by.
As a teenager and young adult I extended my wings and tried to become independent from my family, I tried to exert my own identity. However, try as I might, I was inextricably entwined and the bonds could not be broken. My extended family remained forever in the background of my life.
As a mother, I appreciated the values instilled in me and I sought to become the same source of strength to my own children as my parents were to me. I tried to lead by example of living by high principles and values. Although we lived apart from the rest of my extended family, we forged ahead as a strong nuclear family with an undeniable unconditional and unyielding bond, that was so ingrained and so deep that it just was. It was the source of much love, respect and trust; as well as being our support system of protection and comfort.
As a mature now separated woman, I turn again to the solace of my extended family for support and realise once more that they are there for me. The whole big picture of ‘family’ has now changed for me, and yet remains the same. Family is where I can be who I am without question, without condemnation. This is where I will always be accepted, where I can always be ‘me’; even as I am trying to fathom out who that person is. My family remains my most crucial source of love, support, protection and comfort.
Yet, the family unit after divorce changes enormously, especially for my children who will now have two parents to flit between. Whilst I can return to my large extended family as a rock as support, as my base; the image for them is now one of a broken base, the nuclear family broken in two.
.
More than ever, I still believe in family, but it is inevitable the focus must change. I feel the focus for me now, the key to mending the family unit is to focus on what is important in the current situation and not to dwell on the past. I need to take the time in doing what needs to be done for myself to become more contended and at peace; and to continue through life with the same values that we still treasure as a family. I feel that is the best gift that I can give my family. Although adults, my children still need to feel loved and feel free to love; to be given the same space and freedom as young adults to explore their own activities, to take their own chances in life, with the same feeling of security that family will be their for them.
.
And I will always be here for them – always.
.
“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”. Anthony Brandt
.
.
.
Spring into Summer 