A few weeks after my husband abandoned our marriage, when anger started, I resolved that I did not want to become an angry person. I made a pact with myself that I would not let what was done to me destroy me as the person I was or take over my soul. I determined I would hold onto my beliefs, values and integrity. The last four lines of the poem Invictus by William Henley became my mantra.
“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”
In my journey of self-discovery, I have explored what my values and beliefs are and one by one reaffirmed that I will continue to live by them. I feel I have indeed become ‘captain of my soul’. Now it is time for the next step of my journey – to become ‘master of my fate’.
With an underlying spirit of positiveness and its components of hope, optimism and courage; it would seem I am set to move forward. I can now take control of my ship, choose which direction to steer it, start it up – then keep it going. Take control of my ship, my life. What does that mean?
Taking control means not blaming my genetics, my upbringing, my circumstances, society, the global financial crisis – or my divorce – for where I am today. Taking control is being able to say ‘I am here today because I took myself there’. I chose.
This is the next BIG step I need to take, to become pro-active. I need to stop putting the blame for where I am in my life onto the circumstances I was thrown into. This is hard. In my last post I spat out “I am where I am at this moment through no choice of my own” – as an excuse for remaining transfixed and immobilised.
But I do have a choice. I can forever blame my husband’s abandonment of me and the financial crisis it has thrown me in for my fate …… or I can choose to take back control. While it is true the separation was beyond my control, from that point onwards – without even knowing it – I have had choices. All my actions as well as my inactions have been my choice. I have no-one else to blame.
I have always been pro-active, never expecting anyone to do things for me. I have worked hard. I have taken responsibility for my actions. This time it is more difficult. There are so many aspects to consider, so many hurdles to jump over, so much mud in my path. It can be totally overwhelming to move a single step. However, it is still up to me to get going, to keep going. There is no knight in shining armour. There is no fairy godmother. There is no handsome prince. There is just me. It is up to me.
I remember clearly one of the first times I took control of one aspect of my life – that of my health. I was not overweight then but my parents both were and I resolved I would fight genetics and consciously began to control my own diet. I was about twelve at the time. I started by cutting out junk food and gradually moved on to cutting down fats when my father had a heart attack. As I grew older I constructed a complete healthy eating plan.
Since the separation I have steadily put on about six kilograms. I have blamed the stress I have been under for over-eating, the lack of time to exercise, being too bothered to cook proper healthy meals for myself when on my own. Excuses. Excuses.
Yes, the divorce mess is burdensome, my financial situation is overwhelming, and finding a life purpose is daunting.
But I can start at the beginning – with me. The two hands at the end of my arms are within my control. I can choose the foods they put in the shopping trolley. I can choose what and how much they put in my mouth.
This is where I will start again – with me, for me, for my health.
You are a truly wonderful woman and your post has caught me on the cusp of the same kind of decision – to start moving forward instead of treading water. Thank you for your inspiration and example and please keep us posted.
Yes, I will keep you posted.
I feel we have both turned a corner these past few weeks.
Thanks for your continued cyber-friendship ….
This post reminds me of a quote uttered by a homeless person in Calgary. It’s 10 2-letter words for success: If it is to be, it is up to me.
My quote # 1..
And a great one too
Thanks for stopping by …
Sign up for myfitnesspal at http://www.myfitnesspal.com... there’s a free app and the website can help you keep track of your calories and weight loss. If you sign up, look me up – rbartlett9671 – and send me a friend request and I’ll cheer you on 🙂
By the way, apart from geeky Doctor Who quotes, I do like this to inspire me….
Do not go gentle into that good night… rage, rage, against the dying of the light 🙂
Hi, I have checked this out and will look at how it works over the weekend.
We count in kilojoules here in Australia, but probably can work around that.
‘See’ you soon, and thanks again
Great video. So cute yet with a PROFOUND message to us all.
I do know how that wet little lamb feels….
In this post, though I agree with taking responsibility, you seem too hard on yourself. I think we all have days where we’re weaker and stronger. You did go through a very rough time, and our energy is limited. Sometimes we only have energy to tackle a crisis, and not to watch our weight. I applaud your determination to take action and to be in control over what you can be in control of.
Thanks. I needed that call back to sensibility. Sometimes the inner strength is all one has left and if you don’t keep on keeping on, you collapse.
I am slowly starting to realise that it is OK to say ‘I am not OK today’. Thanks for stopping by.
I admire you Elizabeth, that you determined to not be an angry person.
With regard to the support of my son by his father, I determined not to be bitter. Yet, I feel I ate a lot of energy doing that. I am in heart remaining deeply saddened that I chose a man who would choose not to support his child. So truly, I admire you.
I know what you mean by ‘I ate a lot of energy doing that’; sometimes it is easier to accept the sadness, release it and move on.
Much harder to do than say.
I admire you for being able to do that.