My needs # 4. Connections

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
― Brené Brown

A need is something we require, yet we only feel its need when it is missing. If there is a need not being filled, we can feel anxious, stressed or depressed.

When my husband first left me, there was a gaping hole of where he used to be in my life. Gone were our daily interactions, our deep soul connection, the sharing of discussions and projects, sharing our past and dreams for the future. Gone was my significant other. It was a huge sense of loss and something I thought could never be replaced.

In my initial loneliness, getting out and trying to mix with people made me worse. I would see other couples doing things that we used to do together that now I was doing alone, albeit with a group, and there would be an ache inside of me. Trying to commit to too many people in an effort to form connections overwhelmed me. After a while I withdrew and became passive. This made me confront my solitude head on. I made friends with myself and became contended with my solitude. From that point I slowly branched out to others.

As time went on I realised my husband had previously provided many types of connections to me not simply that of spouse, and he filled in the gaps during life changes or when others drifted out of my life. It is possible for some of these to be provided by avenues other than a life partner. There has been the gradual connections with others to provide this since he left.The large emptiness that initially existed has gradually been filled by other people in my life, slowly step by step, including:

1. Social connections.
   I relate to people on a day-to-day basis by interacting at work, talking about what has been happening in my day, and upcoming events. Even small-talk interactions with people who attend to me when shopping etc is filling this need for daily connections.
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2. Stable connections.
   This is having people I feel ‘home’ with, people who know me, understand me, care for me and accept me for who I am. I have returned to my roots for this connection with my mother, siblings and close friends; as well as with my own children.
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3. Meaningful Relationships.
   I feel I have been connecting more with people. I am forming deeper bonds, getting to know people deep inside, and having them get to know me. I am interacting more one on one with a few key people, rather than having many friends at a superficial level. This gives me greater satisfaction of forming a meaningful relationship.
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   There are some remaining gaps in my needs.
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4. Intellectual Connections. My husband was my intellectual equal. We connected strongly on discussions and projects that stimulated and interested me socially, intellectually, and in community involvement. This is currently missing from my life. The intellectual gap has been filled to some degree by my blogging friends, and meaningful discussions with my family.
   For social involvement and interactions, I will in time join a community interest group or become involved in a broader humanitarian project.
   I am also craving support on business and financial issues and am aiming to get assistance on these.
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5. Significant Other.
   I have lost forever my soul-mate and life partner, that one special person who cared for me and me for him above all others; sharing tender endearments; past history; present moments; and dreams for the future. I do not say I will never find another, however, it could never be the same as sharing forty years. That is gone forever. I accept that. I have grieved for that loss. I have processed this and it is no longer a need.

After filling our basic needs for comfort, stability and security, we all need human connections. These can be provided in many ways. For me, the hole of my missing need for connections is gradually filling. In time, I believe there will be enough over for me to start giving back.
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Image courtesy [Photostock] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 3. Financial security

A need is something that you feel anxious about if you do not have it. Once you have it the pain goes away. The gaping hole in my life where my financial security used to be has caused me much gut-wrenching anxiety in the past 18 months.

Yet no-body, including myself, wants to talk about money.

People spend a lot of time talking about what can be bought with money but not the money itself. People will discuss their travel, clothes, gadgets, houses, and cars. However, they do not discuss much about the money itself or where it comes from or how to get it or how much you need. In fact, in some circles a discussion on money is taboo. It is almost as if you are thought less of a person if you discuss money; and that thinking about money, or the lack of it, it is not a prized value to have.

After my separation, I initially spent a long-time focussing on emotional aspects of losing my partner and soul-mate, my fractured family unit, and the pain of the overwhelming grief, sadness and anxiety I felt about my changed life. Then during my recovering phase I spent some time re-evaluating my values, beliefs and attitudes of trust, kindness, compassion, hope, peace, courage etc No where amongst all that was there anything to do with money.

Part of that relates to the guilt of putting any importance on money. In the very beginning after a separation, when you are faced with abandonment, you do not care a toss about any material possession. There is a cathartic realisation that none of that matters. What matters is people and love and care and kindness. So months later when you start becoming very anxious about your changed financial affairs, you remember back that you concluded that money does not matter, and you feel guilty that now you think that maybe it does.

The truth is that even though we all do not want to talk about it, we all do need it in some form or another, and the changed money situation after a divorce can be catastrophic. I am not talking about greed, such as having innumerable world trips or accumulating beautiful things, I am talking about survival. Having adequate funds so that you can pay the bank debt or house mortgage or rent, pay for utilities, afford good medical care, be able to afford to see your family, then maybe having just a little left over for some savings. But above all, there is the need for some reassurance that what you now have will also not be lost, that this ‘less than half of the former estate’ will not somehow disappear by some other catastrophe.

I know that the values of human kindness and compassion are important. I understand that true happiness lies in seeking out long-lasting experiences of savouring pleasant moments, being grateful for what I have, and seeking out human connections. However, I also do crave that one day I will again own my own home debt-free, that I will be able to comfortably pay my bills on time, that I will have no credit card debt, and that I will be able to put away so that I will have adequate retirement savings for me to enjoy a financial-stress-free old age.

Maybe when that time comes, the anxiety at the pit of my stomach will ease.

I have added “Financial Security” to the list of my own fundamental needs.

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Image courtesy [Stuart Miles] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 2. Stability

I crave normality.

When I was in what I thought was a committed caring marriage, my sense of stability and security was that relationship and all that went with it – my home, my life companion, my secure finances, my rock of support, my sense of purpose. Even when I took a break from routine, by travelling or trying different things, it was both rewarding and exciting. That is because the feeling of security and stability went with me everywhere. It was an ingrained feeling deep inside of me, an inner core of happiness that I carried around with me. No matter where I went, what I did, or whatever adversities befell me; I felt safe and secure.

After my marriage collapsed, that was all gone. I felt unsafe, insecure, broken, worthless, and utterly violated by the act of abandonment. I felt I had lost control over all aspects of my life. I was left inside a fragile shell of my former self.

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Since that day, my home has become my sanctuary and I have relied heavily on routine and order in my immediate space to provide me with a feeling of comfort and security. My home has become my protection. Routine and order have become the props that have helped me regain the feeling that I have some predictability to my life. They are things in my life that I can control.

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So I live in 2 worlds.

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The first is the world of my dramatic changed life circumstances, that I am slowly addressing, but knowing not far below the surface chaos and turmoil still remain supreme. As a result I often still use the technique of dissociation from my circumstances to absent myself from the pain. I do this by living in my second world.

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My second world is my day-to-day world of calm quiet routine and order. Living in the quiet moments of watching the sunrise, going for a daily walk, writing, and enjoying the wonders of today and all its beauty. To a degree, in that environment I have slowly healed and I feel secure. However, take away the routine, take away the order; and my feelings of security unravel in an instant.

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The first time I realised that was when I visited my son in Canada a year ago. Although I had been looking forward to seeing him, for the first week I was thrown into a tailspin of feeling anxious and unsettled. I had been thrown into the unfamiliar. My props were gone – my home, my routine, my sense of place. I was craving the basic level of human needs of comfort and security. After a few days I did get into a little daily routine and I cocooned myself with the basic needs of food, shelter, warmth, security, companionship albeit that I was now in a different environment.

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More recently I found the same thing happened when I visited my daughter for the Easter long weekend in Canberra. I needed the first day to orientate myself, and develop my sense of place, before I could relax and enjoy seeing her and join with her doing a few different exciting things.

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I have also noticed that I am over-reacting to any thing that goes wrong. I go through feelings of anxiety and panic over little things that would previously never have bothered me. I instantly think “Oh dear, what now?”

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In that regard, I am craving a sense of normality, that life again will return to order and calm in my ‘big-picture’ world as well as my somewhat artificial daily world so that I can truly cope again with life and all its ups and downs. Or that my logic brain “it really will be all right” will eventually win over my crushed soul.

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I have a current need for a sense of stability, comfort and security:

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I need calm

I need a sense of place

I need routine
I need order
I need predictability

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My needs # 1. Good health

I mentioned in my previous post how I struggled focussing on my needs as I felt firstly I have responsibilities. What was missing was feeling I was important enough to focus on my needs as a priority, and that in itself should be one of my responsibilities.

The sudden ending of my marriage put me in a state of crisis. I was thrown into a survival mind-set of fulfilling basic needs because everything else was gone. I shut down to the present moment and lived one painful agonizing hour at a time – wake, walk, shower, dress, work, shop, cook, eat, house duties, sleep – going through the motions of life like a zombie. Breathing became a top priority for me – it meant I was alive.

After a few weeks, I had moved a small step forward – planning ahead a few hours at a time. One day I thought about making soup, shopped for ingredients, cooked, and ate the soup, savouring each mouthful as a friend. A few months later my world expanded to a day at a time with a daily routine of rising to watch the sunrise, writing in my journal, following a healthy diet and doing some regular walking as exercise. Although still looking at basic needs, I was living healthily and happily – one day at a time.

Then came the big freeze, the slow painful process of grieving for my past, and facing the anxiety-filled reality of my changed future. There were months of swirling through intense emotions, drifting in and out of hope and despair, only able to focus on one thing – my feelings. My earlier healthy routine slipped away. Down in the black pit, letting exercise go for a day, eating incorrect foods once in a while or over-eating…suddenly it did not matter. What mattered was getting through the day – surviving.

You can get away with things for a day, or two, or three. Then gradually, one day at a time, you slowly lose your fitness, put on weight, clog your arteries, put your heart and kidneys under stress. You do not continue to get away with it. To turn that around you need to think more than a day ahead. You need to think twenty years ahead. This is a monumental step. In my old age…….I want to see my grand-children’s children……. I want to be active enough to still climb stairs…. I want to be able to look after myself.

To do that, I need to think of myself, I have to feel I am worth it.

Focussing for a while on my values, my beliefs and my attitudes, has given me a better sense of confidence and feeling of self-worth. Now I am in a better place. …..I know I am important…..I am worth looking after….. worth caring for.

I need to take care of myself.
I need to remain active.
I need to be healthy.

These are my needs for me and my future healthy happiness.
Fulfilling those needs will become my responsibility.

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