My wants

“I’m here to be me, which is taking a great deal longer than I had hoped”.
Anne Lamont

I have recently written a series of posts exploring my needs. Thinking through those needs led me one day to have an epiphany, a sudden realisation of where my life was actually heading. So very clearly that day I could see that I did not want that. That direction was not right for any of my needs, for my health, my stability, my financial security, for my need to be needed. It made me take a good hard look and understand the difference between what I thought I should be doing and what was in my heart. So in an instant I decided to take my life in another direction, albeit that it may take me some time to put those desires in place.

As described earlier, one of the reasons I found it difficult to think about my needs was the fact that I felt that I had become the discarded consequence of another person’s supposed needs and wants having taken precedence over me and everything I had ever known and treasured: our family unit, our values, beliefs and responsibilities. I felt that I could not discard them as well and in particular my sense of ‘responsibility’. In amongst my sense of responsibility was holding onto the dreams and aspirations we had as a couple and seeing those through. That meant keeping the house and the business. In my epiphany, I realised that direction was not right for me as an individual and as a single person alone approaching sixty years of age. A voice inside me screamed out

I DO NOT WANT THIS!

Fair enough. I have now stated what I do not want.
It has taken an absolute crisis and eighteen months of soul-searching to finally realise and state what I do not want.
What is it that I do want?
My needs have been explored.
What about my wants?

Needs are distinguished from wants as a deficiency of needs causes a negative outcome. Wants are extra to our needs. We can live without them. If I found it difficult stating my needs, then exploring my wants makes me feel truly self-centred. Yet, divorce and living alone gives me that luxury of being able to do that. So here goes.

THIS IS WHAT I TRULY WANT FROM MY LIFE

1. Inner peace
2. Respect
3. Longevity
4. Time with my loved ones
5. Calm

I have come to realise that my wants are not than far removed from my needs. They are not selfish or over-indulgent. The greatest challenge for me is to actually prioritise as my responsibility the fulfilling of those needs and wants, and accepting that it is all right for me to do so.

“The key is not to prioritise your schedule, but to schedule your priorities”
Stephen Covey

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Image Courtesy [David Castillo Dominici] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My First Year and 100 Posts

My first year and 100 posts

This post marks one year of blogging and 100 posts of Almost Spring.

I thought I would take this 100th post as an opportunity to thank everyone who has written comments on my blog, followed me, ‘liked’ my posts and in every way possible shown me kindness and support as I have gone on my journey. Thank you one and all. I hope you may all join me on the next part of my journey. I have included below links to some of my followers and their fantastic blogs.

The blog has been about my survival after the sudden collapse of my marriage. I started it six months later so it began looking backwards recapping my initial despair, moving on until the beginning point of my blog when I was looking positively to transform my life from ‘we’ to ‘me’. You can read my first post here. It was not easy to let go of the ‘we’ that had existed for 40 years, and it took me 40 weeks to reach a point where I truly saw myself as an individual, rather than half a couple. Since that time, I have been exploring my own values, beliefs, and attitudes; and pondering my needs as a single person. Going forward I will be looking at my aspirations and goals to fulfill my life with purpose, meaning and contribution.

I leave you today with a few statistics on my blog and those links to some wonderfully inspiring blogs.

A few statistics.

My first published post was 25 May 2012. I have 141 followers and follow 108 blogs.
My most prolific month for writing and views was June 2012.
I average about 600 views a month.

The first 2 comments to my blog were made by:
Paupana and Magnolia Beginnings

The Bloggers leaving the most frequent recent comments have been: 

Diana; The Eff Stop; Louise Gallagher; mimjk; Stuff  I tell My Sister; Kristijodlicki; IanMunro; Fred Phillips; Claudia; JMGoyder; (see below for links to their blogs)

Bloggers who posted comments or likes in my first month and who I am still following and / or who still comment on my posts:

Well, OK, So Now What?
Space2live
Dr Bill Wooten
Clarabelle
♥ Truelovejunkie ♥
Jennifer’s Journal
Talktodiana
Sixty And Single Again
Swimming In The Mud
Lessons From The End Of A Marriage
The Last Song I Heard…
Back On My Own
Cauldrons And Cupcakes
Waiting For The Karma Truck
Floatingwiththebreeze
Gotoppm.com
Out Of The Chrysalis
LadyRomp

Bloggers Who have Joined Me More Recently And Who Frequently Keep In Touch:

A Year Of Rejoicing — Welcome!
Stuff I Tell My Sister
The Eff Stop
Jmgoyder
That’s Another Story . . .
FredPhillips
Leading Essentially
Donna & Diablo
Rebecca Herrera
Joyful On Purpose
A Hundred Years Ago
WordsFallFromMyEyes
Wanderlustry Ramblings
Crowing Crone Joss
Things I Want To Tell My Mother
THE JOLYN PROJECT
Choosingmyownwellbeing
One Person Singular …
Alone But Strong
Mrsfringe

xx

This is MY Life!!

I HAVE HAD AN EPIPHANY!

A light has come on.

When my husband abandoned our marriage, he went overseas. I was left with the business to run. I felt that I could not walk away from it. At the time, I was in the midst of all the personal angst surrounding the separation and I had not had time to process what had happened. I had not had time to fathom out what I needed or what I wanted to do with my life. Now I have. The business carries a risk. I am no longer comfortable to carry that on my own. So, at the stroke of midnight, I have pulled away from our draft settlement and it is back to the table for further discussions.

If you have never had an epiphany, it is a strange experience. For me it occurred when visiting my mother. Full of angst about the signing of our marital agreement and what I was taking on, I looked up at the sky. Light was breaking through from behind storm clouds and a strong yet simple realisation dawned on me. I still had a choice. This was my epiphany.

While I had not yet fully worked out what I do want to do with my life, I had worked out what I do not want to do and be.

I am not Mrs Fix-it anymore.

I need to begin to think of me and what is right for me going forward.

This Is My Life
as performed by Shirley Bassey

Funny, how a lonely day
Can make a person say
What good is my life

Funny, how a breaking heart
Can make me start to say
What good is my life

Funny, how I often seem To think
I’ll find another dream
In my life

Till I look around and see
This great big world is part of me
And my life

This is my life, today, tomorrow
Love will come and find me
But that’s the way that I was born to be
This is me,
this is me

This is my life
and I don’t Give a damn for lost emotions
I’ve such a lot of love,
I’ve got to give
Let me live,
let me live

Sometime when I feel afraid
I think of what a mess I’ve made
Of my life

Crying over my mistakes
Forgetting all the breaks
I’ve had In my life

I was put on earth to be
A part of this great world is me
And my life

Guess I’ll just add up the score
And count the things I’m grateful for
In my life

This is my life, today, tomorrow
Love will come and find me
But that’s the way that I was born to be
This is me,
this is me

This is my life
and I don’t Give a damn for lost emotions
I’ve such a lot of love,
I’ve got to give
Let me live,
let me live

This is my life
This is my life
This is my life

My needs #6. I need to be needed

I have an in built urge to help people.
To assist people in need.
To enable people to do their best.

As a child
I was the one who stayed inside with my friend when she was laid up with a leg injury.
I was the one who walked behind with the disabled girl, when the others charged ahead.
I helped others with their school assignments.

As a wife and mother
I put my heart and soul into helping my children do their very best.
I supported my husband in many projects and in his work.

As a friend and co-worker
I was the supporter for friends and neighbors with their own children.
I became the leader in business, helping others reach their potential.

I really really miss having my children around, and of them needing me.
I miss the nurturing role that I had in my former career.
I miss being needed.

Still, I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved.

There is another, less positive side to this trait.

Fixing problems.

I am Mrs Fixit

In my marriage, my husband was always the one with the grand idea and then we would work and accomplish things together and have fun along the way. Then there would be, for him, the next exciting project to begin and build on. Meanwhile, the original project still needed maintaining or “fixing” whether that be maintenance in an investment property, or appliances that required repair, or bills and loans that still needed paying. And sometimes when things did not quite work out, it was me who worked a way out of our predicament.

That was my job. Fixing.

Picking up the broom and sweeping up the mess.

Fixing is draining.

There is no glamorous reward or a sense of achievement and accomplishment.
No accolades or thank-yous.

Do I want to continue to be Mrs Fix-it?
Do I need this?

Or do I want and need a different role going forward, one that brings out my former nurturing instincts and makes me feel good about myself?

That is the question I ask myself today.

That is the big question I am asking myself today for my life of tomorrows.

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__________________________________________

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You may also wish to read:
Staying Strong by Ian Munro @ Leading Essentially
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Friends Image courtesy [adamr] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Puzzle Image courtesy [renith krishnan] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My needs # 5. Meaningful projects.

At any crossroad in life, it is inevitable to question the meaning and purpose of your life.

When life is sailing along fine, it is easy to find the answers. You make your own choices in a meaningful life by engaging in a grand plan for the greater good, or simply being the very best you can be. You can choose to find meaning in your work, the right amount of space for leisure, and of having fulfilling relationships.

A life crisis or trauma can shatter all that. The ‘meaning of life’ takes a jolt. In my case, what I thought my life was suddenly wasn’t. I had lost control and was denied the choice of where my life was heading. I felt my future had been stolen.

Most of my driving force throughout my life had been preparation for the future. When the future became today, I planned for another future. So I sought and achieved a good education, took immense pleasure in seeing my children grow and succeed, looked ahead and planned for a secure retirement. I was always looking ahead. Suddenly in the calamity of my separation, I worried and became anxious about the future.

Life for me lost its meaning and purpose; and my ability to plan for the future disintegrated.. Yet having meaning in life and a plan for the future is a major driving force of survival. What can be done when seemingly this had taken away? My solution through this calamity, has been to stop focussing on the big picture of finding a meaningful ‘life’; and to instead focus on the here and now of today, by finding meaningful ‘projects’. Projects that are rewarding, stimulating, and fulfilling. When I was in the depths of this crisis, in survival mode, I still needed a reason for getting out of bed, for putting one foot in front of the other. Meaningful projects became the answer for me, to find some reason for beginning each day, and to be able to say at the end of the day “I did that, and I feel proud of what I did”.

In the beginning, finding a project for an hour helped me survive; then gradually projects that would take a day; then a week. Now I am able to think a month or two ahead and start planning forward.

My focus initially not only became my daily routines and getting on with them, but also finding meaning in them, and being grateful for the simple aspects of them. It now seems funny to think that one day I took pride in hanging the washing out on the line as the sun was beating warmly on my back. Never before had I ever felt that hanging the washing out could hold any meaning or purpose for me, yet that particular day it did. It gave me something to do. Likewise, I made a ‘project’ of spring-cleaning the house; and then refurbishing and adapting the house to suit me. I was proud of how it looked when I finished. Currently I have given myself a project of getting my photos in order.

I turn to the magnificence of the meaning of each day. I marvel every day at the sunrise and nature all around me. I take great pleasure in taking walks in nature. Life may be difficult, but there are still moments that offer joy, peace, calm – and meaning.

I have become absorbed in discovering ‘me’. I have made it a project. I am exploring not only my own beliefs and philosophies; but also that of others. I research each aspect in depth and explore its meaning. I have become interested in poetry, biographies and music. I learn and explore on these themes every day.

Finally, I have been writing all about this, in my journal, in my blogging. Writing about it has become rewarding and fulfilling, especially the feedback from others.

Eventually I know that I will find and return to a higher life purpose. Meanwhile, as life goes on I am finding these smaller projects, whilst seemingly not ‘my life purpose’, do give my life meaning. They are stimulating. They are fulfilling. They are giving me back control. Most importantly, my need for continual learning and growth is being met.

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Image courtesy [gubgib] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net