Ithaca

Ithaca

As you set out for Ithaca
hope that your journey is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.

Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – do not be afraid of them:
you’ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare sensation
touches your spirit and your body.

Laistrygonians and Cyclops,
wild Poseidon – you won’t encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope that your journey is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you come into harbors seen for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind –
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and learn again from those who know.

Keep Ithaca always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you’re destined for.
But do not hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so that you’re old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca to make you rich.

Ithaca gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca won’t have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you will have understood by then what these Ithacas mean.

Music composed, arranged, produced and performed by Vangelis
Poem recited by Sean Connery
Poem by C.P. Cavafy (1863-1933) written in 1911.

Is Happiness or Contentment my aim?

My last post was about the difference between short-term excitement (fun), sustained pleasurable moments (joy), and an inner feeling of well-being (happiness).

Following on from that, and from comments by readers, I thought I would take a closer look at the inner feeling of well-being I was trying to achieve.

Happiness  is a mental and emotional state of well-being characterized by positive emotions and living a flourishing life. To be truly happy all needs are met including comforts, pleasures, engagement, relationships, high self-esteem, meaningful activities and accomplishments.

Contentment, on the other hand, means being satisfied with what you have. If your income does not afford a comfortable lifestyle, you accommodate to a modest one. If you are overweight / getting older or whatever else you feel may be a shortcoming, you are grateful for your good health. If you cannot climb mountains, you are satisfied with walking along the beach. If a relationship fractures, you are grateful for those loved ones you still have. If your family lives away and you cannot see them as much as if they were nearby, you are pleased you can communicate by other means. If you live alone, you embrace aloneness for its opportunities. If you have not quite reached what you believe is your potential, you are satisfied with how far you have come. Rather than needing exciting activities to make you feel alive, you are contented with simply enjoying each day, for its moments of joy, and for the pleasures you can make from it.

Looking back at the definitions above. Happiness requires all my needs to be met. Contentment requires me to be satisfied with what I have at this point in time.

Are all my needs being met? Probably Not.

Am I satisfied with what I have? Absolutely.

I believe that contentment, rather than happiness, is the ultimate for achieving inner peace and a long-term feeling of well-being.

Does being contented, and therefore being satisfied with what you have, mean not striving for a better life? Not at all. Being contented is being happy with how far you have come and accepting who you are. Part of that acceptance for me is being satisfied that I will always be making goals, I will always be looking to the future, I will always be aiming higher, I will always be striving forward. That is part of who I am. I am satisfied and content with that.

If the difference between fun and joy can be thought of as the difference between laughing and smiling; then I believe the difference between being happy and being contented is the difference between reaching the stars, and being satisfied in the journey to the stars. For the first (happiness), it means I would not feel the emotion until I got there. For the second (contentment), it means I can have inner peace from the very start and would have already reached my destination.

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Fun – Joy – Happiness

Recently someone commented to me that after I moved past this separation transition phase onto my new life, I could begin to have fun. The comment threw me. I thought I was already having moments of fun. Besides, my ultimate aim in life is for happiness aided by moments of joy.

What is the difference?

‘Fun‘ means a short-term activity, especially a leisure activity, that brings on feelings of excitement, merriment and laughter.

‘Joy‘ is an intense feeling of great delight or a relaxed feeling of pleasure.

‘Happiness‘ is a state of mind, an inner feeling of contentment and well-being.

The question is, while I had been filling my days with things that gave me joy and pleasure, was I having fun? More importantly, was including ‘fun’ necessary for my ultimate ‘happiness’.

There are different types of activities that provide pleasure: exciting activities (parties, dancing, exhilarating sports); relaxation (reading, nature, watching movies); socialising (family, friend, coffee with workmates); experiential (travelling, going to a show); and growth activities (learning a musical instrument, finishing a project, helping someone).

I believe if you are happy then any of the above pleasurable activities can add to your happiness. Furthermore, distractions from adversities by engaging in such activities can also be important, even healing. On the other hand, if your inner soul is not at peace, then pleasurable short-term activities provide a distraction but they do not ultimately lead to happiness. In fact constantly engaging in distracting fun activities can sometimes impinge on lifetime happiness. Here are some examples:

Eating ice-cream or cake is fun. Over-eating can lead to overweight, lower self-esteem and block ultimate happiness. Shopping is fun. Shopping to excess or getting too far into debt can lead to financial difficulties and put you under distress. Parties uplift the spirits. Drinking to excess can lead to relationship problems. Holidays are pleasurable. Excess travel can lead to being discontent with your normality. Watching TV is relaxing. Engaging in aimless activities to excess prevents you from seeking more meaningful activities.

To experience pleasure from growth activities, which can be the ultimate source of personal fulfillment, initially may mean sacrificing short-term pleasure for sustained happiness. For example: giving up mindless relaxation in order to practice a musical instrument ultimately leads to greater happiness when you become an accomplished musician. Becoming more educated means putting in years of study in lieu of other pastimes. Living frugally, budgeting wisely and investing soundly leads to eventual financial independence and the ultimate freedom to enjoy ‘fun’ activities without guilt.

Probably the initial comment at the start of this post was that, by some definitions of ‘fun’, I was missing out on some activities – those short-term bursts of excitement .

My thoughts are, rather than me missing out on or avoiding those activities, there is the fact  that I am now making my own choices entirely by what is right for me. I am engaging in activities more suited to my introvert personality and my need for stability. I prefer planned rather than spontaneous events. I enjoy relaxation over engaging in frenetic pastimes. I choose not to sacrifice long-term financial security for buying meaningless objects or attending shallow events. I love interacting with people one-on-one or in small groups rather than in large crowds. I get pleasure out of completing projects with a long-term sense of accomplishment rather than doing activities that yield a short-term buzz of excitement. Whilst I do savour short-term pleasurable moments, I steer towards simple moments of ‘joy‘ – those intense feelings of pleasure – watching the sunrise, seeing my grandchildren play and learn, engaging with my loved ones, and finishing my self-assigned projects to the best of my ability. These moments endure and can be looked back at with gladness. In that respect they are longer-lasting and therefore, I believe, ultimate contributors to my overall happiness.

To be truly happy means knowing myself and living by my own inner compass. My definition of happiness is up to me. Becoming happy by my definition is also up to me.

I believe I am already on my way to happiness. Living my own true self towards self-fulfillment, towards my highest self, can only add to my long-term happiness.

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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The Financial Opportunities of Divorce. #4 Freedom

Assuming that I follow my own pep talk regarding facing my financial situation and dealing with it; assuming I protect my home, maximise my retirement savings and budget wisely; assuming I am able to move from a survival, to a modest, to a comfortable income; then in front of me – not despite but because of the divorce – an exciting world of opportunities are open to me. Now, being single, those discretionary expenses listed in my last post are mine alone to decide on.

I have choices.

I have dreams.

I have freedom ……………….

to do whatever I want………….

1. Retire soon and be contented with a basic lifestyle.
2. Work a few more years and relax in a modest lifestyle.
3. Work a bit longer, save hard, and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle….. down the track
4. Resurrect my previous career and work for a period in a profession that was lost.
5. Reclaim my ‘me’.
6. Become a new ‘me’
7. Retrain and start a different career, in something I feel passionate about.
8. Start a new business in something I feel passionate about.
9. Sell my home, down-grade to a smaller home, and enjoy making my home my own.
10. Move close to the beach
11. Or into a city centre
12. Tip most of the difference in funds from down-grading into retirement savings.
13. Sell my home, invest the money, and volunteer abroad for a year.
14. Use some of my funds from down-grading my house on a **FANTASTIC** holiday
15. Buy a van and travel around for a year or more.
16. Become more involved in charity work.
17. Visit my children, family and friends more often. YAY!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
18. Write a book.
19. Learn to play the piano.
20. Learn, learn, learn about a lot of interesting things.
21. Write about everything I have learned in life.
22. Finish things.
23. Walk along the beach 🙂
24. Dance
25. Watch the sunrise each morning.
26. Potter about
27. Count the clouds in the sky
28. Do nothing. 🙂
29. Speak up for what I believe in.
30. Contribute to making a better world

Please of choices.

Wow….. what an exciting time is ahead for me.

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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This is the tenth in a series of posts on ‘My Responsibilities’.
1. Responsibilities
2. My own needs
3. My basic needs
4. My health – diet
5. My health – exercise
6. My Home
7. My finances # 1 Sinking
8. My finances # 2 Survive
9. My finances # 3 Priorities
10. My finances # 4 Freedom

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The Financial Lessons Of Divorce #3. Priorities

I have previously covered the topic of human needs. Needs tend to be hierarchical in nature with lower needs required before higher needs. It tends to follow in the order of – survival – stability – connections – esteem – experiences – giving back. If basic needs are not met one can become stressed or have a hollow feeling of something missing. You have to fill lower needs first, become strong at your core, then move upwards to building your esteem. With strength within, you can then start giving back to others. Aiming too high before strength has developed, can make everything collapse due to a weak base.

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The same concepts can be applied to our financial situation. To provide for our needs,  financial costs are required. The same hierarchy exists – survival – stability – connections – esteem – experiences – giving back.

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Herein can lie the issue after divorce. Before, both my emotional and financial lower needs were fully met. My lifestyle and expenses moved up; up to worthwhile activities for my esteem (hobbies, projects), savouring experiences (travel, entertainment, eating out), and giving back (philanthropy, community projects, and family). When my whole world crumbled, and with it my strong base, as I kept trying to feed higher needs I was used to, my lower needs crumbled further. I had to prioritize my needs in the situation as it stands today. That means thinking of myself, meeting basic needs first, growing a secure savings net next, planning activities (and expenses) that will provide me with connections or improve my self-esteem, then moving upwards to life experiences and helping others.

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These are my financial priorities:

1. Survival

• My Home and utilities.
• Essential living costs. Food, healthcare, basic clothes.
• Minimum loan repayments on debt

2.Connections

• Communication. Phone, internet.
• Safe, reliable car. Petrol, maintenance.
• Transport, travel and accommodation costs in visiting my family.

3. Stability

• Disaster prevention – insurance
• Paying debt off
• Save for emergency fund

4. Discretionary

• Time. Labour saving appliances, cleaner, tradesmen.
• Goals and projects. Education, sport, music, crafts, hobbies, books, computers
• Experiences. Travel, eating-out, entertainment, holidays, festivals, social events.
• Beautiful things. More clothes, furniture, cars, boats, cameras, musical instruments, jewellery, ornaments, paintings, ‘stuff’
• Philanthropy. Helping others, community projects, volunteering, gifting.
• Accumulation of savings, investments.

The Lessons From Divorce

• A basic lifestyle # 1 provides only for essentials, a modest lifestyle adds in a level of security from lists #2,3. A comfortable lifestyles allows some choices from #4.
• I initially classed the first 3 lists ‘essential’ until I realised some people cannot afford them.
• What I previously regarded as comfortable was in fact luxury. After separation, I dramatically cut down our couple luxuries of excessive experiences (it being my husband who tended to need this buzz) and too much ‘stuff’.

My Comfortable Lifestyle

A. My New Basic Budget

1. I include all items on Lists #1
2. Even though not essential, I include all items on lists #2 & 3 as they are essential for me, especially communicating with and visiting my family.

B. My Choices From Discretionary List 4.

1. Maintain essential insurance, eliminate non-essential.
2. Maintain savings schedule for emergencies and unexpected costs.
3. Embark on meaningful projects.
4. Experience moments with special people or those activities that give me meaning. A lot of things I enjoy have little cost such as walking, reading, writing. An occasional meal or drink with family or friends, family gatherings, can still be enjoyed. Watching the sunrise costs me nothing.
5. Maintain savings schedule for higher discretionary costs. Don’t go into debt for them

C. The Items I Have Eliminated Or Reduced

1. Impulse purchases of discretionary items.
2. Non-essential ‘stuff’ – trashy magazines, newspapers, books, fashion accessories, household items, gadgets, music, hobbies, hair costs – except for items that fall under #B3 above (meaningful projects).
3. Reevaluated travel plans, house upkeep and entertainment in terms of budget.
4. Cut out bought lunches & coffees.
5. Halved my grocery bill, buying less meat, more vegetables and pulses, hardly any processed foods. I am shopping at the farmer’s market. I diligently use up food at the end of the week, plan menus ahead, and shop from a list.

D. As for ‘giving back’?

See point B3 above.

This is so empowering to be taking control of my life again, one step at a time.

🙂 🙂 🙂

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This has been the ninth in a series of posts on My Responsibilities

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