I was struck by loneliness a few days ago.
Loneliness is something that comes and goes for me. It was intense when my husband first left me. That was because I still cared for him deeply. I missed him as my soul-mate. I missed his companionship and I was hurting quite badly. I wanted to be loved and cared for. I wanted to be hugged. I wanted to be appreciated and respected. I wanted someone to think that I was special. I wanted someone to watch over me. A special person.
Loneliness moved on to a dark cold place of feeling rejected, discarded, unwanted and unloved. Loneliness kept me feeling insignificant, that I did not matter, that I was meaningless. Loneliness became a feeling that I would never see the light out of my darkness, that I would never feel any warmth again.
Loneliness became a feeling of having no direction in life. It became endless worrying and worrying about endless worrying.There was the loneliness of sorrow and grieving with no end. It became a bad dream from which I could not awaken.
Loneliness became me suffering and suffering alone. It became a burden for me, this suffering alone. It wasn’t being alone that made me suffer loneliness. It was the suffering that made me feel alone, the knowing there was no-one who would understand me.
Loneliness transcended into me feeling like a misfit. There was no tribe out there for me.
I was a black pearl in amongst diamonds and even though I was trying hard to be a diamond, no-one wanted me.
That was yesterday.
Today is different because I realize this:
There has always been light out of the darkness. The sun always comes up. Absolutely. And even before the sun comes up, there are stars in the sky.
There is always warmth. The warmth of human kindness. The warmth of my inner being.
There is always hope. There is me. The hope is a belief in myself that never fades.
Today it is spring. The sun is shining. The flowers are in full bloom. In the ‘bliss of solitude’ I remember all the good that I have in my life, all my friends and loved ones who care for me and whom I adore, and my own specialness. And today I accept that I am a black pearl and proud of it. I want to remain a black pearl. Black pearls are rare and special. I am special.
‘And then my heart with pleasure fills, and dances with the daffodils’.
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced, but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A Poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Black pearl it is:). More depth than a diamond anyway . . .
Ah yes! and there is something in being different that attracts me now, of NOT wanting to be like everyone else.
This is beautiful Elizabeth and you are right – black pearls are beautiful. ❤
Spring indeed! … Does that mean you’ll be changing your blog title Elizabeth?
Accepting loneliness as something that comes with our thinking and is not the truth is powerful. You’ve come a long way discovering yourself E!
I certainly have and I thank you for your continued encouragement and support.
As for spring, this is the third one now. I think there is always a new beginning to look towards.
Beautiful Elizabeth – and yes, you are a beautiful, exceptional black pearl
Thank you for thinking of me in that way. It really means a lot to me.
Elizabeth, I’m glad you’re not feeling so lonely anymore. Hold on to what gives you bliss, and the fact that you are rare and special, and I pray you never feel so alone again.
It is a certain type of loneliness that hits me occasionally, of not being able to share the inside me. If the truth be known, it has always been there. I am just learning to express that feeling.
What a beautiful piece (peace) on self awareness.!
Yes, the peace from the piece was quite profound. I am glad that you picked up on that.
And diamonds are over-rated. I, too, prefer black pearls. 🙂 And daffodils!!!! And Wordsworth!!!!!!!
I am truly feeling the benefit of reading poetry now. Oh my goodness, how it lifts me up as nothing else can do. 🙂
I appreciate your friendship and continued support.
Elizabeth, this is one of my favorite pieces you’ve written, as it is so well stated, and it resonates with me deeply. I, too, have moments when the loneliness is almost suffocating, even if I am in the midst of a gathering of friends or family members, as someone special who thinks that I am someone special is absent. Like you, the moment of hope eventually returns, and when it does, I am relieved and happy. So, my friend, I understand.
Thanks for your thoughts on this. It helps me to know that we have that connection of understanding of each other.
You are welcome, and the feeling is mutual!
What a strong and poignant post…I admire, as always, your strength and resolve.
Thanks. It was a bit different post for me, yet was how I felt.
Good for you, Elizabeth! And I wanted to know that even though I don’t often comment (and sometimes forget to click the Like button) I often stop by and visit. You’re not alone 🙂
Thanks so much for stopping by.
I too stop by often and sometimes do not comment.
Life gets busy. Yet I always try and read your posts too.
I love the way you expressed the way your feelings of loneliness evolved, Elizabeth. I am sure we have all been there, I know I have felt lonely, rejected and somewhat unwanted among people I usually felt comfortable with. I had to learn to put those thoughts away, sometimes now if I start to feel like I am ‘odd man out,’ I say, “Why, Robin, you silly goose! You are so much wanted and give good feelings to others.” I have been one who was ‘assigned’ affirmations by a counselor, along the way in my life. Those affirmations are to say only positive things and write them down to repeat while brushing my teeth in the morning. I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you, but it may help someone who reads your comments… I would love to dance with you among the daffodils! I love the images of stars in the sky, along with this whole post! Hugs, Robin
I loved this comment. It made me feel warm and appreciated. Thank you so much. Your friendship means a lot to me.
Your friendship means a lot and I appreciate how we have shared a common path, you and I. Hopefully, my carving my own years before yours, may give you hope and confidence. I sometimes still feel a little lonely, but this passes much more easily… Hugs!
You really are an inspiration.
Anyone who has felt that emptiness when they have lost a part of their lives will appreciate your honesty and be inspired to look forward to the sun coming up tomorrow.
Thanks so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it.
This is so beautiful. I came here and read this after seeing the comment you left for me. It’s so hard sometimes to appreciate our own beauty, but I am so glad that you can appreciate yours.
Sometimes it is hard to do, and yet I do believe that now I can. Thanks for your kind comment.
“I wanted to be loved and cared for. I wanted to be hugged. I wanted to be appreciated and respected. I wanted someone to think that I was special. I wanted someone to watch over me. A special person.” How true this rings…
And I am so glad you seem to be uncovering a new you, be your own person. Looking forward to being there myself. Meanwhile, you’ll be an inspiration 🙂
Thanks for your support. And here is sending much strength and courage your way. You will get through this period too.
I absolutely love this. Thanks for sharing this. I appreciate your honesty and your light. Truly inspired.
Thanks for your positive comment. I really appreciate it.