“I am not sure what I shall do. Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected.”
“Most things don’t. But sometimes, what happens instead is the good stuff”
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
About a year ago, after much soul-searching, I was emotionally in a place where I wanted to move on. I wanted to begin a course. I wanted to try something different. I wanted to move away. I wanted to begin my new life.
I couldn’t. I still had to finish off the marital settlement and run the business.
I became stationed in this horrible place of being here and wanting to be there.
Everything was overwhelming me and I was in deep pain.
At the time many friends, family and supporters assumed I was still suffering the end of my marriage, the leaving of me by my husband, its emotional effects, and my shattered self-esteem. Whilst those issues added to my pain, they were no longer the main problem. What I was experiencing was not something that I had to ‘get over’. It was something that I had to ‘get through’. The problem, and hence my misery, was all the legal and practical things that still had to be done surrounding the marital settlement. There was still all that mud to trudge through, before I could begin my life as I wanted it.
I yearned for a better life yet to ‘get through’ to that better life, I had to put that better life aside. I had to put aside my dreams. I had to stop writing poetry. I had to stop planning my future. I had to stop indulging in soul-searching. I had to face what needed to be done and devote my time to getting done what I had to get done.
Nevertheless I had been instilled, with a vision of a better life.
In some ways, the vision made things much more painful. Up until that point, I had clung onto the remnants of my old life. The relative uncomfortableness surrounding my marriage end had become tolerable. I had become used to feeling under-par rather than happy. I had become used to scattered grey clouds over my head. I would smile and carry on.
Once the vision of a better life had been planted in my head, that world I was in became a scary deep hole. There were no clouds to see. There was total darkness. It was the vision of a better place that made the world that I was in so painful and intolerable.
And yet …
It was the vision of me striding towards that better place that kept me going forward, that kept me trudging onwards through the mud, until I was through it on the other side.
which is where I am now –
- flitting from activity to activity unable to focus and not bothered that I can’t
- spending a lot of time faffing
- sorting out my own personal budget and knowing that it is all mine
- not planning
- watching drippy movies and not caring that I am wasting time
- feeling anxious (‘what on earth am I going to do with the rest of my life?’)
- feeling euphoric (‘I can choose to do whatever I want!’)
- back to my dreams of a wonderful future
- in a world of hope and happiness
- understanding there is still practical stuff to get done – and knowing it will be
- knowing, as in the quote above, I am heading towards ‘the good stuff’
Song: Jimmy Cliff version of the Johnny Nash hit ‘I can See Clearly Now’.
This made my heart leap with joy for you, and you captured so brilliantly what so many of us, myself included, are experiencing/have experienced. I know that your clear vision will enable you to set sail on a new course, and I cannot way to see which way you go. Keep looking for the blue skies, as they are always there, Elizabeth. Much love to you!
Yes, yes, yes. The clearer vision helps so much. Even if there still are obstacles, at least I can see them now.
All the best to you.
You deserve blue sky but sometimes a nice cloud adds to it as well. (They have silver linings, some say)
You are correct. In fact what I am now beginning to experience (freedom) is the silver lining to the very dark cloud that has been hanging around for some time.
thanks for your wishes for me.
I love the description of how this feels and what you engage in. It feels to me like someone who is getting ready to launch her next life chapter!
Yes, that next chapter is soon to commence, with some flexibility required on the meaning of ‘soon’.
Exciting stuff Elizabeth. In my mind’s eye, I see you skipping along a beach. ❤
Interesting that you should say that as ‘skipping along the beach’ was one of my favourite pastimes as a child… and just lately my mind has been going back to the things I enjoyed as a child, and the dreams I had as a child. Its amazing the insight you have into the inside of me! 🙂
Must have been my sub conscious Elizabeth!
Sounds like the ideal place to be for now Elizabeth..smile and enjoy..
Yes, I am enjoying this state of relative nothingness and the freedom of lack of pressure. My next step in life may take some time to fathom out … and that is Ok. Thanks.
I love the way you describe your feelings, and the list of where you are now (though I must confess I had to google faffing 🙂 ). Perfectly captured!
It seems as if ‘faffing about’ is a British expression. It is also a little bit of a joke I have with a follower who also did not know the expression when I first used it so I throw it in occasionally in my posts as does that person on their own blog.
However, it does describe well how much of my time is now spent in totally useless activities, which I feel is OK for me now as for three years I had no spare time at all. Thanks. 🙂
I thought it might have had British origins. I’m always happy to add to the old vocabulary. As for you faffing about, enjoy it to the fullest, Elizabeth. You deserve it. ❤
Just right for now 🙂
Yes, perfectly right for now.
All kinds of fun and adventures, clear skies, smooth sailing ahead! I feel still comforted on weekends, watching the Hallmark movies, renting romantic comedies, doesn’t mean I have lost my mind or brain power! I find positive things make me feel hopeful, which believe it or not, I hope to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but I have a man who I tell him he is my “Gold Standard,” Elizabeth.
My “G.S.” is a man who is neck deep in helpiing take care of his mother, he gets home from work, which he quit a higher paying financial world job, so he could be able to go home in a timely manner, then he undresses her, cleans her and puts her in her pajamas, gives her dinner, then helps her to use the lavatory, puts on a depends and then, gets ready for his next work day. He is such a kind, funny man and I flirt with him, too. One time recently I told him that we will walk and hike some day, just to get to know each other. It will be after his mother passes on. (She is 96 and I do not wish her gone.) Everyone who knows him says he is a wonderful and special man, which if we don’t end up together, I have ‘set the bar’ high to find someone as sweet as Mark is. (Not the silly fisherman Mark from my early blogging days. I gave him up a year ago, even as a friend!) Smiles and so glad you are happy, Elizabeth.
Yes, I am looking forward to new adventures … and fun.
Thank you for sharing that part of your story. I am so glad that you have such a special friend. If it grows into something more, that’s great. If it doesn’t, he will still be a special friend, and kind too – so it seems. Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂
I am not sure what the next post’s password is? It would not allow me to push like, even. So sorry to bother you about this.
I am very sad to hear of your mother’s passing and wanted to go backwards to see if I missed other posts. The only one, I think I missed was the one that says to see comments, I need to have a password… Take care and you are being sent big hugs and hopes for you, too.
You are so wonderful the way you have not only trod your path but shared the journey with such wisdom and grace. I learn from you despite the difference in our experiences. Thank you!
Thanks. You have touched my heart.
Oh my goodness, yes. The two sides of the same coin–anxiety vs. calm, confidence vs. fear–I’m right there with you–STILL. Take my hand:). We’ll do this!
We are soul-sisters!
Yes, we can do this.
Hoorah for the rainbow and blue skies ahead!
I hadn’t really thought much before, about the conundrum inherent in dreaming. We need hope, and a vision of a better future (when we’re in a place of pain/suffering), and at the same time, dreaming can be frustrating, reminding us of what we yet cannot have. It requires valiance, that’s for sure.
I hereby christen you Queen Valiant. 🙂
Yes, it can be a painful conundrum. I suppose recognizing that fact is a first step. By that I mean recognizing the pain due to the conundrum, as opposed to the pain of the original suffering, and so knowing that the second will stop (or ease) when the first does.
Just checking in to see how you were doing and happy to see youre dreaming again. It doesn’t need to be easy to be good, does it? All the best to you.
It was great to hear from you. I understand exactly what you mean. I hope all is good with you too 🙂
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