Adjusting my vision

After my joyous birthday celebrations and pronounced optimism for my future, I had been dragged down again. Having to deal with the practicalities of the property settlement made me feel lonely and resentful. Lonely because I am alone in this process. Resentful because my glorious vision for my future was seemingly put on hold. I wanted to move to my future and I was stuck dealing with the past. I wanted to be done with the past.

Then during the week someone said to me, ‘what would it do for you, if you could re-frame what you are doing as a step towards your future?’

Clunk.

A somewhat obvious, yet not so obvious solution.

The less obvious part was accepting that I could not go directly from my old life to my new life. There is a ‘transformation’ phase in the middle. This is the phase of letting go of my old life in preparation for the new; and at the same time exploring options for the future before I actually begin. However, it is still moving forward. It still holds the steps towards my future. I am indeed in this middle phase of transformation. I am not yet in my future.

Having accepted I am in a phase of transformation, the obvious solution to my distress was to then put those activities required for the property settlement into that phase with me. Thinking of those processes as part of my transformational phase (rather than a limbo state, or back in the past) has been a crucial step for me this past week. The processes have now become crucial and important steps towards my future.

Suddenly the weight on my shoulders has lifted, replaced by a sense of urgency and focus. Instead of resenting having to do them, I am ploughing through the processes from a drawn-up checklist and ticking the boxes as I go. I have discarded feelings of isolation and resentment. I have re-affirmed my code for this divorce process which included that I would at all times act with grace and dignity. Grace being respectful of others. Dignity being a command of respect for myself.

Result:

• I am more accepting of this transformational as a phase and I am in it.
• I have now stopped asking myself ‘are you there yet?’
• I have moved forward by completing several small steps in “the process”.
• I have written down an action plan for getting through the rest.
• The action plan includes an air of goodwill and respect for all concerned.
• I have achieved something; something for me, something for my future.
• I have remained true to my values.
• I feel good about myself.

 

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Image courtesy:[Tao55]:FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My attitudes # 3 – As for those rose coloured glasses ……

My attitudes # 3 – Grace and Dignity

“Learn to be what you are, And learn to resign with a good grace,
all that you are not” Henri Frederic Amiel

In my last post I spoke about optimism, in particular overcoming adversities by approaching difficult life events –  death of a loved one, divorce, disablement, disease, disasters – as challenges to overcome, rather than as obstacles to endure……… …

I left out some rather difficult situations …chronic situations involving another person ……  abusive situations, addiction in someone you care for, and chronic illness or disablement in someone you love. Is optimism in oneself enough to get one through any of these situations?

Herein lies the difficulty. Try as you might, as optimistic as you are yourself, you cannot change anyone else, or make someone do something, or make someone not do something. Even when someone is ill, you cannot make them see a doctor, take their medicine, rest, exercise, follow a diet or whatever it is that would be best for their situation. You can only keep loving and supporting them and encouraging them and helping them as much as you can. And you definitely cannot get inside their head and make them ‘look on the bright side’, or ‘make the best out of a bad situation’, or make them realise that ‘it could be much worse’. You can only do what you can do. You can only keep on keeping on and  keep telling them over and over that it will all work out and that you will be there for them always.

Then when they leave you suddenly with no choice or discussion and with blame cast at you – because somehow it is all your fault – you finally take off the rose-coloured glasses……………..

And you realise that by the action of abandonment, not only have you been betrayed, not only have you been denied a chance to speak; not only have you been treated with the utmost disrespect; not only have you had your love and care trampled on; but you have also – in your role as carer – been the victim of emotional exploitation.

And you didn’t even know.

So, Mrs Optimism, where is the upside?

Using the same acronym as in my last post turning F.E.A.R into positive action (Face Everything And Respond) …………

Sixteen months on, I now look at the ending of our marriage and the events leading up to it with full realisation I had no control over someone else’s choices, someone else’s actions, or over events that occurred; and I have dropped any remaining trace of self-blame for the marriage’s demise.

Sixteen months on, I look on my values of kindness and empathy as virtues. I no longer see myself as a victim, or those virtues contributing to a supposed victim role. I realise that just because someone took advantage of my caring compassionate nature does not mean that I need to change those qualities in me in any way.

Sixteen months on, I can now face the razor-sharp ending to my marriage and be grateful that it saved me the pain of having to make a choice; that of trying to save my marriage after the betrayal. There is in regard to our personal relationship nothing left to lose so therefore nothing left to fear. There is no need to ask or expect an apology that will never come. The only response I need to make is to continue to act with grace and dignity.

“I wish grace and healing were more abracadabra kind of things. Also, that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace’s arrival. But no, it’s clog and slog … on the floor, in the silence, in the dark”.  Anne Lamott