After my joyous birthday celebrations and pronounced optimism for my future, I had been dragged down again. Having to deal with the practicalities of the property settlement made me feel lonely and resentful. Lonely because I am alone in this process. Resentful because my glorious vision for my future was seemingly put on hold. I wanted to move to my future and I was stuck dealing with the past. I wanted to be done with the past.
Then during the week someone said to me, ‘what would it do for you, if you could re-frame what you are doing as a step towards your future?’
A somewhat obvious, yet not so obvious solution.
The less obvious part was accepting that I could not go directly from my old life to my new life. There is a ‘transformation’ phase in the middle. This is the phase of letting go of my old life in preparation for the new; and at the same time exploring options for the future before I actually begin. However, it is still moving forward. It still holds the steps towards my future. I am indeed in this middle phase of transformation. I am not yet in my future.
Having accepted I am in a phase of transformation, the obvious solution to my distress was to then put those activities required for the property settlement into that phase with me. Thinking of those processes as part of my transformational phase (rather than a limbo state, or back in the past) has been a crucial step for me this past week. The processes have now become crucial and important steps towards my future.
Suddenly the weight on my shoulders has lifted, replaced by a sense of urgency and focus. Instead of resenting having to do them, I am ploughing through the processes from a drawn-up checklist and ticking the boxes as I go. I have discarded feelings of isolation and resentment. I have re-affirmed my code for this divorce process which included that I would at all times act with grace and dignity. Grace being respectful of others. Dignity being a command of respect for myself.
- I am more accepting of this transformational as a phase and I am in it.
- I have now stopped asking myself ‘are you there yet?’
- I have moved forward by completing several small steps in “the process”.
- I have written down an action plan for getting through the rest.
- The action plan includes an air of goodwill and respect for all concerned.
- I have achieved something; something for me, something for my future.
- I have remained true to my values.
- I feel good about myself.