Fun – Joy – Happiness

Recently someone commented to me that after I moved past this separation transition phase onto my new life, I could begin to have fun. The comment threw me. I thought I was already having moments of fun. Besides, my ultimate aim in life is for happiness aided by moments of joy.

What is the difference?

‘Fun‘ means a short-term activity, especially a leisure activity, that brings on feelings of excitement, merriment and laughter.

‘Joy‘ is an intense feeling of great delight or a relaxed feeling of pleasure.

‘Happiness‘ is a state of mind, an inner feeling of contentment and well-being.

The question is, while I had been filling my days with things that gave me joy and pleasure, was I having fun? More importantly, was including ‘fun’ necessary for my ultimate ‘happiness’.

There are different types of activities that provide pleasure: exciting activities (parties, dancing, exhilarating sports); relaxation (reading, nature, watching movies); socialising (family, friend, coffee with workmates); experiential (travelling, going to a show); and growth activities (learning a musical instrument, finishing a project, helping someone).

I believe if you are happy then any of the above pleasurable activities can add to your happiness. Furthermore, distractions from adversities by engaging in such activities can also be important, even healing. On the other hand, if your inner soul is not at peace, then pleasurable short-term activities provide a distraction but they do not ultimately lead to happiness. In fact constantly engaging in distracting fun activities can sometimes impinge on lifetime happiness. Here are some examples:

Eating ice-cream or cake is fun. Over-eating can lead to overweight, lower self-esteem and block ultimate happiness. Shopping is fun. Shopping to excess or getting too far into debt can lead to financial difficulties and put you under distress. Parties uplift the spirits. Drinking to excess can lead to relationship problems. Holidays are pleasurable. Excess travel can lead to being discontent with your normality. Watching TV is relaxing. Engaging in aimless activities to excess prevents you from seeking more meaningful activities.

To experience pleasure from growth activities, which can be the ultimate source of personal fulfillment, initially may mean sacrificing short-term pleasure for sustained happiness. For example: giving up mindless relaxation in order to practice a musical instrument ultimately leads to greater happiness when you become an accomplished musician. Becoming more educated means putting in years of study in lieu of other pastimes. Living frugally, budgeting wisely and investing soundly leads to eventual financial independence and the ultimate freedom to enjoy ‘fun’ activities without guilt.

Probably the initial comment at the start of this post was that, by some definitions of ‘fun’, I was missing out on some activities – those short-term bursts of excitement .

My thoughts are, rather than me missing out on or avoiding those activities, there is the fact  that I am now making my own choices entirely by what is right for me. I am engaging in activities more suited to my introvert personality and my need for stability. I prefer planned rather than spontaneous events. I enjoy relaxation over engaging in frenetic pastimes. I choose not to sacrifice long-term financial security for buying meaningless objects or attending shallow events. I love interacting with people one-on-one or in small groups rather than in large crowds. I get pleasure out of completing projects with a long-term sense of accomplishment rather than doing activities that yield a short-term buzz of excitement. Whilst I do savour short-term pleasurable moments, I steer towards simple moments of ‘joy‘ – those intense feelings of pleasure – watching the sunrise, seeing my grandchildren play and learn, engaging with my loved ones, and finishing my self-assigned projects to the best of my ability. These moments endure and can be looked back at with gladness. In that respect they are longer-lasting and therefore, I believe, ultimate contributors to my overall happiness.

To be truly happy means knowing myself and living by my own inner compass. My definition of happiness is up to me. Becoming happy by my definition is also up to me.

I believe I am already on my way to happiness. Living my own true self towards self-fulfillment, towards my highest self, can only add to my long-term happiness.

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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The Financial Opportunities of Divorce. #4 Freedom

Assuming that I follow my own pep talk regarding facing my financial situation and dealing with it; assuming I protect my home, maximise my retirement savings and budget wisely; assuming I am able to move from a survival, to a modest, to a comfortable income; then in front of me – not despite but because of the divorce – an exciting world of opportunities are open to me. Now, being single, those discretionary expenses listed in my last post are mine alone to decide on.

I have choices.

I have dreams.

I have freedom ……………….

to do whatever I want………….

1. Retire soon and be contented with a basic lifestyle.
2. Work a few more years and relax in a modest lifestyle.
3. Work a bit longer, save hard, and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle….. down the track
4. Resurrect my previous career and work for a period in a profession that was lost.
5. Reclaim my ‘me’.
6. Become a new ‘me’
7. Retrain and start a different career, in something I feel passionate about.
8. Start a new business in something I feel passionate about.
9. Sell my home, down-grade to a smaller home, and enjoy making my home my own.
10. Move close to the beach
11. Or into a city centre
12. Tip most of the difference in funds from down-grading into retirement savings.
13. Sell my home, invest the money, and volunteer abroad for a year.
14. Use some of my funds from down-grading my house on a **FANTASTIC** holiday
15. Buy a van and travel around for a year or more.
16. Become more involved in charity work.
17. Visit my children, family and friends more often. YAY!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
18. Write a book.
19. Learn to play the piano.
20. Learn, learn, learn about a lot of interesting things.
21. Write about everything I have learned in life.
22. Finish things.
23. Walk along the beach 🙂
24. Dance
25. Watch the sunrise each morning.
26. Potter about
27. Count the clouds in the sky
28. Do nothing. 🙂
29. Speak up for what I believe in.
30. Contribute to making a better world

Please of choices.

Wow….. what an exciting time is ahead for me.

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

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This is the tenth in a series of posts on ‘My Responsibilities’.
1. Responsibilities
2. My own needs
3. My basic needs
4. My health – diet
5. My health – exercise
6. My Home
7. My finances # 1 Sinking
8. My finances # 2 Survive
9. My finances # 3 Priorities
10. My finances # 4 Freedom

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The Financial Lessons Of Divorce #3. Priorities

I have previously covered the topic of human needs. Needs tend to be hierarchical in nature with lower needs required before higher needs. It tends to follow in the order of – survival – stability – connections – esteem – experiences – giving back. If basic needs are not met one can become stressed or have a hollow feeling of something missing. You have to fill lower needs first, become strong at your core, then move upwards to building your esteem. With strength within, you can then start giving back to others. Aiming too high before strength has developed, can make everything collapse due to a weak base.

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The same concepts can be applied to our financial situation. To provide for our needs,  financial costs are required. The same hierarchy exists – survival – stability – connections – esteem – experiences – giving back.

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Herein can lie the issue after divorce. Before, both my emotional and financial lower needs were fully met. My lifestyle and expenses moved up; up to worthwhile activities for my esteem (hobbies, projects), savouring experiences (travel, entertainment, eating out), and giving back (philanthropy, community projects, and family). When my whole world crumbled, and with it my strong base, as I kept trying to feed higher needs I was used to, my lower needs crumbled further. I had to prioritize my needs in the situation as it stands today. That means thinking of myself, meeting basic needs first, growing a secure savings net next, planning activities (and expenses) that will provide me with connections or improve my self-esteem, then moving upwards to life experiences and helping others.

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These are my financial priorities:

1. Survival

• My Home and utilities.
• Essential living costs. Food, healthcare, basic clothes.
• Minimum loan repayments on debt

2.Connections

• Communication. Phone, internet.
• Safe, reliable car. Petrol, maintenance.
• Transport, travel and accommodation costs in visiting my family.

3. Stability

• Disaster prevention – insurance
• Paying debt off
• Save for emergency fund

4. Discretionary

• Time. Labour saving appliances, cleaner, tradesmen.
• Goals and projects. Education, sport, music, crafts, hobbies, books, computers
• Experiences. Travel, eating-out, entertainment, holidays, festivals, social events.
• Beautiful things. More clothes, furniture, cars, boats, cameras, musical instruments, jewellery, ornaments, paintings, ‘stuff’
• Philanthropy. Helping others, community projects, volunteering, gifting.
• Accumulation of savings, investments.

The Lessons From Divorce

• A basic lifestyle # 1 provides only for essentials, a modest lifestyle adds in a level of security from lists #2,3. A comfortable lifestyles allows some choices from #4.
• I initially classed the first 3 lists ‘essential’ until I realised some people cannot afford them.
• What I previously regarded as comfortable was in fact luxury. After separation, I dramatically cut down our couple luxuries of excessive experiences (it being my husband who tended to need this buzz) and too much ‘stuff’.

My Comfortable Lifestyle

A. My New Basic Budget

1. I include all items on Lists #1
2. Even though not essential, I include all items on lists #2 & 3 as they are essential for me, especially communicating with and visiting my family.

B. My Choices From Discretionary List 4.

1. Maintain essential insurance, eliminate non-essential.
2. Maintain savings schedule for emergencies and unexpected costs.
3. Embark on meaningful projects.
4. Experience moments with special people or those activities that give me meaning. A lot of things I enjoy have little cost such as walking, reading, writing. An occasional meal or drink with family or friends, family gatherings, can still be enjoyed. Watching the sunrise costs me nothing.
5. Maintain savings schedule for higher discretionary costs. Don’t go into debt for them

C. The Items I Have Eliminated Or Reduced

1. Impulse purchases of discretionary items.
2. Non-essential ‘stuff’ – trashy magazines, newspapers, books, fashion accessories, household items, gadgets, music, hobbies, hair costs – except for items that fall under #B3 above (meaningful projects).
3. Reevaluated travel plans, house upkeep and entertainment in terms of budget.
4. Cut out bought lunches & coffees.
5. Halved my grocery bill, buying less meat, more vegetables and pulses, hardly any processed foods. I am shopping at the farmer’s market. I diligently use up food at the end of the week, plan menus ahead, and shop from a list.

D. As for ‘giving back’?

See point B3 above.

This is so empowering to be taking control of my life again, one step at a time.

🙂 🙂 🙂

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This has been the ninth in a series of posts on My Responsibilities

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The Financial Impact Of Divorce #2. Survive

“This is about life. It is one wave after another wave and you are struggling to go on……If you survive, you can tell the story, you can go on. If you don’t survive……..  that’s it.”                                      Maria Belon. Tsunami 2004 survivor.

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In any grief, trauma, or catastrophe the first step always is survival. If you can get through a day, a week, a month; then you can keep going. You can survive.

In regard to finances then, the first step is to stop sinking, stop going backwards. The next step is to stay afloat. The third step is to move forward. Here is what I have done so far and intend to do going forward.

1. Let Go Of The Losses.
In losing anything there is a grief process you need to go through. If you lose your former financial security, you need to mourn that loss just the same as the loss of a person. There are stages to pass through of shock, denial, anger, and sadness until finally you let go of what you had. I have found it really important to let go of what could have should have been, and to stop looking with envy at friends and family of the same age who are moving on to blissfully peaceful and financially secure retirements. This is gone for me now …. although not necessarily forever.

2. Face The Reality Of The Changed Situation.
Until you face it, you cannot do anything about it. I have taken stock and reviewed my complete situation – my assets, my debts, my insurance, my will, my superannuation fund, my home, my savings. I know exactly where I am at. I will move on to a different life.

3. Protect My Home.
My first drive will be to protect my home. This will mean ridding myself of all debt over it as a top priority over the next year or two.

4. Remain Debt-Free
Once I have cleared the last of the debt, I will remain debt-free. This means not using credit cards to buy things that I cannot afford or do not need.

5. Build Up Asset Base
As described in the last post, after the property settlement is finalised I will have a depleted asset base which, on its own, is inadequate to see me through my retirement years. I aim to rectify that by a series of options (isn’t it great having choices?)
(a) Delay Retirement for 5-10 years preserving my retirement fund intact to allow it to grow
(b) After the business goes, find another means of making an income
(c) Downsize my home to release capital to invest.
(d) Put all available spare funds into my retirement fund

6. Take Control Of My Budget and Spending
Rather than wait until retirement to begin living a more austere and simple lifestyle, do that now. Not only will it provide me with the comfort of knowing that I am living within my means, it will prepare me for my retirement years. If I learn to live on less, then there will be more to put away. That nest egg will grow faster and I can reach that blissful place (of financial security) sooner. Yay! 🙂
This is how I aim to do it…….
(a) Set my budget for a ‘comfortable’ lifestyle.
(b) Track my spending diligently.
(c) Ruthlessly cut every unnecessary expense from my budget
(d) Look out for discounts, bulk specials, and controlled use of card points.
(e) Aim for a simpler lifestyle.
(f) Live frugally

7. Take Control Of My Health
(a) Keeping healthy will keep medical costs down and be easier on the budget
(b) Healthy eating requires more home cooked meals and this is easier on the budget
(c) Walking more will increase my exercise and keep me fitter and healthier and will also decrease transport costs.

8. Prioritise The Use of Spare Money
This will be the aim of a ‘Comfortable’ Lifestyle which I will outline in my next post.
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This is the eighth in a series of posts on ‘My Responsibilities’.
1. Responsibilities
2. My own needs
3. My basic needs
4. My health – diet
5. My health – exercise
6. My Home
7. My finances # 1 Sinking
8. My finances # 2 Survive

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Image courtesy of [CoolDesign]: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Financial Catastrophe of Divorce #1. Sinking

This is the seventh in a series of posts on ‘My Responsibilities’.

No-one likes to talk about money and I am going to break through that barrier and talk about it anyway. We talk about happiness yet are reluctant to admit the part money plays in that or its role in our sense of security, one of our basic needs.

To comprehend the financial impact of divorce, there are issues to be understood.

A. Where Does Money Come From?

1. Superannuation, retirement funds, investments, savings.
2. Earnings through employment, business.
3. Government pensions, charity, inheritance

B. What Are Our Needs From Money?

1. Essential Needs: Shelter, basic living costs.
2. Non- Essential. Lifestyle, discretionary, savings, gifting, debt reduction.

C. How Much Money Is Enough?

Studies show increased stress in people who cannot meet essential needs. Above that, happiness levels rise to a point. Thereafter, increasing levels of income do not produce a greater level of happiness.

D. How Much Money Do I Need?

Approaching sixty, I would be happy if I owned my home, was debt-free, had adequate retirement funds to provide a comfortable lifestyle, with a little savings tucked away. I am not there yet.

E. What Is a Comfortable Lifestyle?

A basic lifestyle provides only for essentials. A modest lifestyle provides some non-essential items such as insurance, communication and owning your own car. A comfortable lifestyles allows some lifestyle choices such as occasional travel, entertainment and hobbies but nothing extravagant.

You need to account for higher costs in clothes and transport if working, additional costs if you have dependents, any house mortgage / debts, and amounts to put away in savings.

What Is The Impact Of Divorce?

I was travelling along earning a living, leading a comfortable lifestyle, and accumulating savings. After divorce it will be gone – the accumulated savings, the comfortable lifestyle, the means of earning a living.

(a) Depleted asset base

Approaching sixty, we had our house and investments for retirement. One important point to understand in divorce is that, even though one may have a sound ‘total asset’ base, as far as providing for living costs into the future, only those assets available for investment can be counted, not those funds tied up in the home. Come divorce, there are two houses to come out of our total asset pool, one for me, one for him.

The remainder of our assets are crumbling away in divorce costs, forced sale of investments in a poor economic climate, and the impact of the divorce on the business value. This depleted asset base will be halved and the resultant asset base for each will be about one fifth our original investment base. This is, looking at part A above, a catastrophic change to financial affairs for someone approaching retirement.

(b) Earnings through employment or business

My new asset base, if I retired today, would struggle to provide me with basic living costs throughout my retirement years. As that is distressing, I initially chose to continue with the business. After my epiphany, and wanting closure on our previous life, the business will now go. There goes the second source of money from part A above, the means of earning a living.

(c) Impact On Lifestyle

As a single person, my living costs are as much as three quarters of that of a couple, yet the financial ramifications of divorce will see me losing both my source of earnings and sound asset base.

I have pondered and researched these impacts. What I have learned is:

1) I am better off than many. After divorce, some end up with just their home, no home and / or mountains of debt.

2) What I previously thought was ‘comfortable’, was in fact a ‘luxury’ lifestyle, (though still not extravagant). What I previously thought were ‘essentials’ (such as owning a car and having insurance), are in fact discretionary.

3) Money does not make you happy. Inner peace makes you happy. However, there is a minimum money requirement for peace and happiness. If you don’t believe me, watch this closing movie scene where Will Smith finds himself out of the soup kitchens into secure employment.

How I plan to provide  myself with a level of happiness that, for me, means a ‘comfortable’ lifestyle will be the topic of my next 2 posts.

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Responsibility for basic needs

This is the third in a series of posts on ‘My Responsibilities’

At a time of crisis, say after a flood or earthquake, people’s needs return to those very basic needs of food, water and shelter as they begin to rebuild their lives. The ending of a marriage is similar to such a crisis, especially if it is unexpected and sudden. It rocks the very foundation of your life; your self-esteem, relationships, your emotional and financial security. As everything comes crashing down, to cope and survive you cocoon yourself by living in the moment of waking, eating, walking, eating, and the comfort and security of a warm bed at night. You are thrown into a survival mind-set of fulfilling these basic needs because everything else is gone. In the early days post separation, in a state of turmoil, I was comforted by focussing on my basic needs for some months by following a healthy diet, engaging in a gentle exercise programme, and restoring routine and order back into my daily life. Then my initial enthusiasm wavered. Why?

1. Reason # 1: I became overwhelmed by the ‘big-picture’ changes required of me. I did not have the time, energy or inclination to focus on trivial daily activities.
2. Reason # 2: I did not see who would benefit from what I was doing.
3. Reason # 3: I was focussing on short-term gains rather than long-term outcomes.
4. Reason # 4: Doing the right thing seemed like deprivation (eg dieting, budgeting).
   
   Pep talk to self:
   These are all just excuses.
   – It is time to stop blaming the divorce and its emotional upheaval for my lack of inclination to do what is right for me.
   – Having spent all my adult life putting my family first, it has been difficult to put myself first. I have to keep reminding myself that the person who will benefit from all this effort is me. I am important enough to make that happen. Moreover I can only be good for others if I am strong and healthy and calm myself.
   – When short-term goals (eg: weight loss) are the focus, rather than long-term outcomes (eg: good health), enthusiasm wavers at times of stress or when a short-term goal has been achieved and then discarded.
   – After a while, if habits are formed and results are seen, the effort will no longer be seen as deprivation but just how it is.
   – Keep going, you are worth it.
   

So lets begin……..
I have listed here aspects of three basic needs that I will be taking responsibility for, together with a long-term desired outcome for each and the first steps to take to get there. I will be posting brief progress reports on the side panel of my blog in each of these areas; and over the coming weeks will outline the plans in more detail.

Health

My desired outcome: To remain independent, fit, healthy, and active into my old age.
My responsibilities:

• Follow a healthy eating pattern one day at a time.
• Engage in a regular exercise programme for at least 5 days a week.
• Spend some time each day in a relaxing activity.
• Keep up with my annual medical checks

Home and Routine

My desired outcome: Simplification of my life to reach a state of calm
My responsibilities:

• Get into a daily and weekly routine for my activities
• Achieve a balance of work, home, and leisure.
• Simplify and de-clutter my surroundings

Financial Security

My desired outcome: Financial independence
My responsibilities:

• Set a budget. Cut down discretionary spending. Stick to the plan.
• Plan for a secure financial retirement
• Take control of personal affairs.

Message to self:

“I am responsible for my own health, sense of calm, my home and my finances”.
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Week 36 – Recipe for a bigger divorce pie

Week 36 May 28 2012. This week marked us agreeing to a property settlement – not signed, but at least agreed to.

I wrote earlier about the pain I had felt when I began to face the full fall-out of the financial insult that this break-up would bring upon me. Thinking over this predicament in the weeks since then had been a major factor in preventing me from moving forward in my life, of letting go of the life we had, of the future of us that will never be. Trying to accept the financial insult was a second wave of pain coming on top of the emotional pain.

Being together for 40 years and close to retirement years, the sums had been done many times. There was to be a pie with 40 pieces – one piece for each year together – that we had carefully put away. This pie of 40 pieces would have been adequate to provide us with a comfortable lifestyle income of about two pieces of pie per year. The initial shock on separation for me was that there would now only be 20 pieces of pie for me to live on, half of the original providing me with only one piece of pie a year to live on. This was a down-coming but not exactly horrific and being an optimistic person I came to accept this and tried to move on. However, slowly I came to realise that the Maths was all wrong. What struck me in April was the harsh reality of a much more severely depleted pie of only six pieces and only one fifth of our ‘couples’ pie.

Let me explain the Maths.

In the original pie of 40 pieces, 10 were tied up in the family home leaving 30 pieces for investment to provide the annual income of about two pieces of pie. In the post separation pie there is the reality of 8 pieces of pie being taken out for divorce proceedings, leaving 32 pieces to divide – 16 pieces each. From my half, once I take 10 pieces for the family home, I am left with only 6 pieces left to invest and live on – only one fifth of the original investment pie of 30 pieces! The equation is not a simple matter of dividing the total in two. Moreover the cost of living for a single person is more than half of that of a couple – with house and car costs incurred on one’s own. You actually require more than half to live on. Yet I would only be left with six pieces of pie to invest. How could I survive? As I sat working out the figures, turning them over, backwards and forward and upside down; there was also the horrible thought that the only way of getting more pieces of pie for myself was to become a combatant and fight against my husband through the courts, bringing up mud to fling, having to say vile and toxic things against the one person who up until 10 months before I had given my whole life and love to. I did not want to become that person necessary to get more pieces of the pie simply so that I could have a comfortable retirement. However, I was now on my own and I also did not want to have to fight for financial survival throughout my golden years. Financial survival versus soul survival. It seemed like a lose-lose situation. It was this knowledge hitting home to me that had sent me spiralling downwards early April.

Then I worked out a recipe for a bigger pie. There is another way and I created it. Rather than focussing on what we had had and lost, I focussed instead on the income I would require and created a pie that would provide me with enough investment pie to provide the income I would need. This is my recipe for a bigger and better divorce pie:

Ingredients:
Take
1. Your soul
2. Your choices
3. A clear head
4. Determination
5. Respect and
6. Your finances

Method:
1. Stay out of the courts. This gives you back 8 pieces of pie in the savings on litigation costs.
2. Compromise. Even though it seems unfair to give some bits away to the person whose choice it was for this financial mess, is it really worth fighting for two pieces of pie to lose four in the process?
3. Stay out of the courts.
4. Think of your soul. Do you really want to become a bitter toxic person by dragging down the person you gave 40 years to?
5. Think of your children. Save the children the pain of seeing their parents knocking each other over.
6. Stay out of the courts.
7. Compromise on the house – at least in your head. Accept that sometime in the future you will downsize from the family home to a smaller home and release another 4 pieces of pie.
8. Get a hold on your own personal budget, live more frugally, watch discretionary spending and make the pieces of remaining pie work for you.
9. Remember your own divorce code and stick to it.
10. Stay out of the courts.

Here is a comparison of the alternative pies:

Original
Total pieces of pie                  40
Less Litigation costs             – 8
Remaining                              32
Half to me                              16
Less cost of home                -10
Pieces of pie to live on            6
Living costs per year               1.2
Years of income                      5

My recipe
Total pieces of pie                  40
No Litigation                           – 0
Remaining                              40
Half to me                              20
Less cost of home                 -6
Pieces of pie to live on           14
Living costs per year              0.7
Years of income                     20

Voila! This recipe will provide me with four times the financial security of what may have been and has saved my soul and sanity. Moreover, if you look carefully at the figures, by careful budgeting and a revision of my lifestyle – from what had been ‘our’ lifestyle – it actually provides me with more financial security than before separation as there is now no-one I have to compromise with in my careful budgeting to make it all happen.

Full steam ahead now with – my choices – my lifestyle.