Home again

I have returned home again, having spent the best part of the last two months, with my siblings, caring for my mother in her final days.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am actually returning home, or whether I am leaving home behind me. I am feeling a quadruple loss. As well as losing my mother, I am leaving behind my siblings, my extended family, my hometown and the community I grew up in. To leave all that behind me, to return home alone has been difficult. What am I coming home to?

Two days after my mother’s funeral, I took a phone call from my solicitor to say that the marital settlement was complete. You may remember that papers were signed earlier this year. From that signing date, the actual process to untangle our various investments and loans took a few more months. Now the process was finally over.

I was very sad that I never got to share that moment with my mother. However, only days before she slipped away, I did share with her my dreams for my future. That conversation had made her relaxed, and she gave me a smile. She was happy to know her daughter would soon be on the road to her own life, with a vision of a life of peace and contentment.

Now, three weeks later, here I am.
Home again.

Yet, it will all be so different …

My home is now actually my home.
My finances are now my own to manage.
The business settlement period is drawing to a close.
I am finally free of the marital entanglement.

Four major changes in my life, and with the death of my mother, that makes five.
My life will be so different.

So today I am clinging on to that vision, that vision I shared with my mother, that vision for my life being one of peace and contentment.

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Image courtesy[/FreeDigitalPhotos.net]

Week 31 – Milestones

Week 31 – Milestones 20 April 2012

This separation is difficult for us all as a family at times like this – the milestones of life – weddings or a child’s graduation. Events that were previoulsy shared – and now have to be shared separately albeit together. It is especially tough for the children wanting to recapture those happy family times and at the same time doing the right thing by each of us and our feelings at the moment – where there is still hurt and pain.

In December it had been my daughter’s graduation – my last child flying the coupe. It was a happy occasion and yet tinged with the sadness of the separation and seeing other people there – her friends she had been with her whole life – and they with their “happy families” still intact. But it was her day and I was so happy and so proud of her.  

This week it was the wedding of our god-daughter. She is the daughter of my husbands best friend from school and our families had remained close all our married days. My daughter was her bridesmaid. It was on the whole a happy day. I nearly lost it in the church with now all the words of the ceremony taking on such a differnt meaning (for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health). However, as they were spoken I thought them through and thought to myself, that I did not break those vows and of that I should be proud. I still held onto my own values, I was still the captain of my soul, I am still able to hold my head up high.

After the wedding ceremony, the children rallied round me and we had lots of hugs and some photos together. Then I was determined to enjoy myself and have a great time for myself, for my children, for my god-daughter and for her parents. 

And so I relaxed for the evening wedding reception and then later danced and danced into the night.