The truth shall set me free

Recently I wrote of being Captain of my ship and discovering that I had some unwanted passengers on my ship. One of my ‘unwanted passengers’ is the feeling of having lost my right to choose. There is much baggage surrounding this feeling of having lost the choice on the direction of one of the most important parts of my life, my marriage. The decision to end it was thrust upon me. This feeling is scattered throughout my blog: ‘…. through no choice of my own’, ‘ … it was not my decision’, ‘…. having been thrust into this place’.

There are two questions I now ask myself:

1. Five minutes before my husband told me what he was about to do, if I was told my marriage was about to collapse and I was asked whether I was prepared to save my marriage, what would my answer have been?

My marriage is sacred to me. It provides me with an inner core of happiness and stability. It is my safe-haven. In marriage, I have that one special person for me and only me who is my companion, who cares for me and I for him like no other; who shares endearments with me that we give to no other; who is the one with whom I may tell my inner most thoughts to and know they are held in safety. Marriage to me means the promise we made to each other to stand together through all adversities, to stick by each other through thick and thin, to keep promises, to remain committed and loyal to one another. Marriage means tolerating our differences and remaining true to love, care, devotion, respect, empathy, tenderness, compassion, honesty, truth, openness, fairness and trust. It is the sharing of dreams for the future and remaining committed in the midst of troubled times NO MATTER WHAT; and yet allowing each other the freedom to grow as individuals.

I am committed to and will fight for my marriage.

2. If, ten minutes before being asked the first question I was given all the facts and I was told to look only at the facts and the truth of those facts and not to look at the illusion, what would my answer have been?

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If the choice made, is the same choice I would have made, had I all the facts when the choice was made ….. then what is all this mourning over something that wasn’t?

The accepting of that truth shall set me free.

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Image courtesy:[GrantCochrane]:FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My Beliefs # 3 Family

In the steps I have been taking on the journey towards myself, I have been affirming what my beliefs and values are. More and more I realise, however, that what has driven my beliefs and values has been my family. In fact, “family” is one of my most passionate beliefs and I have come to realise that without my family, I would not be who I am today.

As a child, ‘family’ to me meant not only my nuclear family of my parents and siblings, but also my large extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It was here where I learned kindness, empathy, dependability, compassion, integrity and above all, acceptance. It was that sense of belonging, that feeling of the family as the base, the knowing that the family would always accept me; that brought me meaning, peace and comfort. There was always a sense of belonging forged by the coming together of the family at meals, holidays, and special occasions. Rituals, schedules and clear communications provided a further sense of stability.

As I grew older family for me provided strong bonds from which I was able to grow in peace and safety. It prepared me for life experiences; and gave me a belief in myself as being a good person with talents and skills that I could apply in the adult world. It was my refuge; but it was also the place I learned trust, honesty, respect, sharing, tolerance, responsibility, and …… hard work.

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Clear family values empowered me to make decisions that I could live by.

As a teenager and young adult I extended my wings and tried to become independent from my family, I tried to exert my own identity. However, try as I might, I was inextricably entwined and the bonds could not be broken. My extended family remained forever in the background of my life.

As a mother, I appreciated the values instilled in me and I sought to become the same source of strength to my own children as my parents were to me. I tried to lead by example of living by high principles and values. Although we lived apart from the rest of my extended family, we forged ahead as a strong nuclear family with an undeniable unconditional and unyielding bond, that was so ingrained and so deep that it just was. It was the source of much love, respect and trust; as well as being our support system of protection and comfort.

As a mature now separated woman, I turn again to the solace of my extended family for support and realise once more that they are there for me. The whole big picture of ‘family’ has now changed for me, and yet remains the same. Family is where I can be who I am without question, without condemnation. This is where I will always be accepted, where I can always be ‘me’; even as I am trying to fathom out who that person is. My family remains my most crucial source of love, support, protection and comfort.

Yet, the family unit after divorce changes enormously, especially for my children who will now have two parents to flit between. Whilst I can return to my large extended family as a rock as support, as my base; the image for them is now one of a broken base, the nuclear family broken in two.

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More than ever, I still believe in family, but it is inevitable the focus must change. I feel the focus for me now, the key to mending the family unit is to focus on what is important in the current situation and not to dwell on the past. I need to take the time in doing what needs to be done for myself to become more contended and at peace; and to continue through life with the same values that we still treasure as a family. I feel that is the best gift that I can give my family. Although adults, my children still need to feel loved and feel free to love; to be given the same space and freedom as young adults to explore their own activities, to take their own chances in life, with the same feeling of security that family will be their for them.

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And I will always be here for them – always.

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“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”. Anthony Brandt

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My values # 1 Trust

Trust

In an earlier post I explored my basic life needs. At the time, I was in complete crisis due to my husband leaving our marriage. I had lost companionship, dreams for the future, family order, stability, self-esteem, emotional and financial security. I had been thrown into a world of chaos. It helped to nurture my basic needs and I spent some months focussing on my home, health, diet and cocooning myself in a familiar safe routine. Gradually I started to heal and come out of my deep pain. I felt I had worked through the issues of our separation and I started focussing on my higher level needs of self-esteem and self-fulfillment.

But there was something holding me back and stopping my progress, something missing, something niggling at me. It was as if one of my basic needs was not being met or there was something I had still not worked through. Then it came to me.

It was trust. I had lost trust.

When you have trust none of the other things in life matter. It comes first and foremost before food, before shelter, before good health and well-being. If you have trust it wraps around you like a warm blanket and protects you at night. It goes with you inside you throughout your day and makes you glow with love and gratitude. Trust makes you see sunshine when the rain comes and the cold winds blow. Trust makes you feel strong so you can conquer your fears. It allows you to speak and stand up for yourself. Trust gives you the confidence to do the right thing and to be true to yourself. Trust is your security, your inner core of happiness and your stability that you take with you wherever you go.

In our marriage we had trust. It was one value we both shared with pride. It was unspoken trust. When you own deep trust, there is no need to speak the words, there is no need to make the affirmation, because it is just there.

In that very first instant of my husband telling me he was leaving me it was the shattered trust that pierced my heart and caused me my greatest pain. A pain so deep that pushing it into my deep sub-conscious was the only way I could survive. That is where I had pushed it on the very first hour of the very first day on my own and there it had remained.

I can find companionship. I can regroup our broken family unit. I can take on board my depleted asset base and begin building my finances. All this is possible in time. What can I do without trust? How can I survive without trust? I need trust. I need to be able to trust.

This is where I have come to the conclusion that focussing on our ‘needs’ first is upside down. Underpinning our needs are our values. It is our values that are at the core of our being. Our values are who we are deep down inside us. Our values give us the blue print for how to live our lives. Our values underpin what we give.

Yes, trust is a ‘need’, something we take. Trust is also a ‘value’, something we give.

Deep down inside me I know that at the core of my being there is still trust, my own inbuilt trust imbedded as a value as the essence of my soul. This trust has not been broken or lost, the value of trust that I live by.

This is where my real healing begins, returning to my own core beliefs and values, and living by them every day. My # 1 value is trust.  I believe that if I live by trust, if I give trust, if I continue to live my own life in a trustworthy fashion; if I trust myself; then I know that in time trust as a ‘need’ will be returned to me. I resolve today that I will hold onto trust as one of my core values.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe