Feeling the pain of the truth

“Life is difficult”. This is a great truth.M.Scott Peck.

There have been dark feelings surrounding my divorce including frustration, sadness, loneliness, regret, anger, fear, anxiety, and despair. All of these have caused me intense pain. I have gradually learned my freedom from pain lies in living by the truth, and the path to truth in itself involves pain.  .  .

1. Delayed Gratification

In the beginning my pain was so intense I just wanted to get rid of it, run from it or cover it up. That was my focus, rather than facing the pain and the feeling behind it. For example it was much easier distracting myself in pleasurable activities (or ‘relief’ measures) such as watching movies, walking, and spending time with loved ones; than to face my pain.

To face it, it was necessary for me to temporarily fore-go those ‘relief’ measures in order to feel it. Once I took time to truly feel the pain I found that, whilst pain itself is a single symptom, the feelings behind are multi-factorial. My pain has not all been sadness of my past. A lot of pain has been anxiety over present tasks and fear of the future. Dealing with overwhelming practical present issues or planning my future require totally different techniques than dealing with unresolved emotional issues of the past. Until I spent time facing and feeling my pain, it was all one big blur. When the pain hits me now, I feel it. I am more able to separate the differing feelings of sadness, anxiety or fear; the past, present and future issues behind those feelings; and deal with them in an appropriate manner. Facing and feeling pain has clearly been the first step in resolving any issue behind it.

2. Acceptance of Responsibility

Whilst situations may have been thrust upon me, it is only me who can respond. If I remain stuck in blaming my circumstances for where I am, I will never savour the pleasure of getting to a better place.

For example, if I remain stuck in ‘why do I have to deal with all this mess’ attitude, rather than sorting through the 100 archive boxes in the shed, I will not be able to move on to the new life that beckons me. The same goes for the last remaining pieces of the property settlement process; and the planning of my future. It is up to me.

Again, I need to fore-go pleasures to bowl over these overwhelming tasks, which will involve further pain. However, I will then be able to bask in the glory of their completion.

3. Dedication To The Truth

Some divorced people years later are still in the dream of the happy-ever-after.when their reality has changed. I do not blame them. Facing reality is painful. Acceptance of my own reality and its truth was painful. Dealing with my reality of a single almost-sixty year old with a risky financial base was difficult. However, that is the truth of my present which I can change. It is not the illusion of my past which I cannot.

While the child inside me still cries out ‘give me relief’, ‘let me escape’, ‘let me build a fortress to shut out the pain’; the truth is I know that it is not ‘relief’ that will set me free, but challenge. The solving of my problems will set me free, not the deadening of my pain.

4. Balance

Life is for living and forging ahead will require a balance of: delaying some pleasures in order to solve my problems, yet still living joyously in the present, and keeping an ever watchful eye on the future; balancing needs, responsibilities and goals; accepting my responsibilities, yet rejecting those that are not mine; and holding on to those things that serve me well, while giving up those that do not.

Balancing will not be easy. It may even be painful. However, ridding myself of past illusions, seeing the truth, embracing the reality of my present, and focussing on solutions to rather than the pain of my problems will free me for a challenging and exciting future.

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1.Quote and insight from The Road Less Travelled’ by M. Scott Peck.

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Wisdom

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr

Following on from the fact that I have now become wise (see my last post), I thought that I would return to a favourite quote and see whether I think differently now than before.

A. The things that I now know I cannot change

1. My marriage ended and I did not choose to end it.
2. There is a period from a marriage’s end until complete resolution of its ending.
3. My personality.
4. My age and gender.

B. The things that I now know that I can change

1. What I choose do now.
2. To always act with grace and dignity even when I don’t feel like it.
3. My character.
4. In fact everything else, except # 1 – 4 in part A above.

C. The difference

1. I thought my choices were taken away and they were not.
2. I cannot help how I feel but I can always change how I act.
3. Character is what counts.
4. There is almost nothing that is not within my power to change.

D. The serenity

1. See point 2 in Part B above. Try it. The calming effect is contagious.

E. The courage

1. See point 2 in Part B above. As I have done it (most of the time), then that proves I have courage.

F. The wisdom

1. .See point 2 in all the above. That ‘period’ may take me a long time and maybe all my life but I will not let it define my life or destroy my life.

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Priorities

Life is mainly froth and bubble. Two things stand like stone; kindness in another’s trouble; courage in your own. Adam Lindsay Gordon

Having determined my purpose in life was living to my highest self, I thought it timely to look at who I felt I was by reflecting on my earlier stated values, beliefs, and attitudes. When exploring these I had started with over 200, crossed off ones that didn’t apply, categorized, and gradually reduced the list to ones I felt most important.

I was amazed how closely my chosen values compared  to what philosophers and theologians describe as virtues. Virtues refer to moral attitudes, something ‘good’. Each virtue has either a ‘bad’ opposite, a vice (honesty vs deceit) or is the moral mid-point between a deficiency and excess (courage vs cowardice or foolhardiness). Virtues stated historically across civilizations and cultures are faith (belief), hope, charity (kindness) , wisdom, justice (fairness), temperance, and courage. There is no choice in virtues. We either have them or we do not.

In contrast the more recent term values imply a freedom of choice, with no good or bad, no virtue or vice. Any opposite is simply a different chosen way of living (spontaneity vs caution). With an emphasis in society on freedom of choice, and living by chosen values in order to reach lifestyle goals; values have become personality preferences aimed at something to have (health, wealth, success, prestige, popularity, happiness).

Conversely virtues describe something to be (honest, kind, considerate). As virtues become habits, they make the foundation of character. They become something that to give (trust, respect, courtesy) and guide us on what to do (show courage, care, fairness). They make us who we are. Virtues are what is now often termed ‘character strengths’.

Getting back to my own stated values, beliefs and attitudes; how was it that most of the ones I picked out could be regarded as virtues or character strengths? My upbringing had something to do with it as I am a child of the 60’s where these were taught at school, church and home. My circumstance contributed, as suffering a huge loss of my marriage ending changed the way I valued things. However, I feel the main reason was the inner priority I placed on my values, and the core guiding principle of someone to be as opposed to something to have.

My original lengthy list of ‘values’, was reduced down by thinking of situations where I had to prioritise, where I had to choose between my own values. In an ideal world I value many things – finishing tasks, excellence, good health, orderliness – to name a few. However, when a loved one becomes ill, if a family member or friend needs my support; some ‘values’ disappear. To me, punctuality, having a tidy house, or finishing a work project are of lower importance than being caring, kind and dependable. Without realising at the time, I was prioritising my values. I was dividing them into essential and non-essential. I was placing more importance on the values of ‘being’ how I wanted to be, and thereby ‘doing’ what I considered the right thing, over what I wanted to ‘have’. My stated lists were in fact my ‘core’ values, my top priorities, those values that always mattered, those values that I feel should never be compromised.

If I was to prioritise further, I would regard my top four priority values are to be courageous, kind, fair and wise; so that I may act with courage, kindness, fairness and wisdom. This is the way I feel I should be living my life. These values will enable me to “live to my highest self”. It is these core values that I feel will guide me to be the person who I want to be.

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My core “Values”, “Beliefs”, and “Attitudes” are listed and linked in 40 steps to me.

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