40 WEEKS TO END ‘WE’
When my husband left me I grieved my lost marriage and family unit with stages of PAIN, ANGER, and feeling ALONE sweeping around me in no particular order, and SADNESS pervading my mood the whole time. The practical, legal and financial SPLITTING of our assets was overwhelming and needed to be slotted in amongst my emotional survival. Despite the turmoil, I determined to march on to ‘me’ and I devised ways of celebrating life with various techniques of COMFORT until finally LETTING GO. At the end of 40 weeks, my achievement was being able to stand up as a single person, as an individual, free of the coupledom that was. Here are the steps I took to end ‘we’…
Week 1. PAIN. Shock and pain
Week 2. SADNESS and ALONE. Alone. Feeling the absence of ‘we’
Week 3. ANGER. Spring clean – my first response to anger
Week 4. ANGER. Journal – my second response to anger and other negative feelings
Week 5. ANGER. Captain of my soul – my third response to anger. Invictus
Week 6. SPLITTING. First financial meeting – back in shock and pain.
Week 7. COMFORT. Living for today and reclaiming me – my focus starts to turn to me
Week 8. COMFORT. Time and space and reflecting on Life’s illusions
Week 9. ALONE. First steps on my own – starting to do things on my own
Week 10. ALONE. If it is to be, it is up to me – writing down my aims for ‘me’
Week 11. SPLITTING. All about ‘stuff’ – revelling in an uncluttered life
Week 12. ALONE. A little bit of humour – my response to feeling flat. Joining the other club.
Week 13 PAIN. No more mountains. My vision for taking life one step at a time
Week 14. LETTING GO. Detachment. Becoming true to myself
Week 15. ALONE. Aloneness. Embracing solitude
Week 16. ALONE. Embracing singeldom. Finding my passion
Week 17. COMFORT. Days like this. Finding peace and joy in summer days
Week 18. LETTING GO. Somebody that I used to know. Emotional detachment from ‘we’.
Week 19. SADNESS. Broken Family. Being there for my children
Week 20. LETTING GO. Disentanglement. Freeing my half of the whole
Week 21. ALONE. Two anniversaries. Reaching milestones on my own
Week 22. PAIN. Reality check. Have I reached acceptance or am I stuck back in denial?
Week 23. SPLITTING. My divorce code. Thinking about the property settlement
Week 24. COMFORT. Back to my roots. All about my extended family
Week 25. PAIN. Less soul searching – more panic. Feeling overwhelmed again.
Week 26. COMFORT. Almost Spring begins. Writing it all down.
Week 27. SADNESS and LETTING GO. Memories. Looking back on our family life
Week 28. SPLITTING. Second wave of pain. Reality check.
Week 29. SADNESS and COMFORT. Kindness. Nourishment to my soul
Week 30. COMFORT. Writing in the dark. Making the most of storms
Week 31. COMFORT. Milestones. Experiencing family time alone together
Week 32. COMFORT. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Learning to heal
Week 33. SPLITTING. The rings. Making a vow to be true to myself
Week 34. ALONE. Bike ride through Stanley Park. Travelling alone. One step at a time.
Week 35. SADNESS and embracing ALONENESS. Mixed emotions. Facing my new life.
Week 36. SPLITTING. Recipe for a bigger divorce pie. Agreeing to a property settlement
Week 37. LETTING GO. Letting go. Saying good-bye
Week 38. LETTING GO. The Way We Were. Remembering us
Week 39 LETTING GO. Acceptance. Acknowledging and taking responsible actions
Week 40. LETTING GO. Forgiveness. Forever Give up up resentment, take back control
With 40 weeks since separation behind me, and having worked through these 40 steps away from ‘we’ – one step for each year of our partnership – I then felt empowered to create my own new life as ‘me’.
COMFORT AND GRATITUDE
During my journey from ‘we’ to ‘me’, at times the path was rough. At those times, I felt it was important to stop for a while and reflect on how far I had come, what I had and how much I had gained since my journey began. At those times, I sometimes leaned on others, embraced solitude, lived for today, or experienced a joyful time. After stopping and resting, I resumed my journey. These are my reflections during periods of rest, gratitude and joy.
- My gratitude list
- My Family and Friends
- My roots, and branches and wings of all the people in my life I am grateful for.
- I’ve Learned
- I Can See Clearly Now
- Living for today
- Bike Ride
- New memories
- New family order
- Circle of life
- Last child
- On being a parent
- Live Life List
- Feeling good
- Fun, Joy, Happiness
- A little ray of sunshine
This is a summary of the end of various aspects of splitting a marriage of 37 years.
- PHYSICAL the end of we
- PRACTICAL. His inside “stuff”
- PRACTICAL. His outside “stuff”
- PRACTICAL. Our inside “stuff”
- SYMBOLIC. The rings
- EMOTIONAL. Detachment
- EMOTIONAL. Disentanglement
- EMOTIONAL. The end of us
- EMOTIONAL. Forgiveness
- EMOTIONAL Memories, thoughts, feelings.
- DIVORCE. At 23 months.post separation. August 2013.
- FINANCIAL. Our first settlement meeting
- FINANCIAL. My divorce code
- FINANCIAL. Recipe for a divorce pie
- FINANCIAL. Wading through the mud.
- FINANCIAL. More wading through the mud.
- FINANCIAL. It is signed.
- VALUES Clash of values
- VALUES. Unfairness.
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Well I am so impressed at how far you have come in such a short time – although I am sure that the 40 weeks seemed like an eternity at the time. And now it is onwards and upwards for you. I am cheering for you. 🙂
Thanks for the cheering.
I need that sometimes!
Thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate it.
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Shock & pain followed by alone. Yes – touche.
It is amazing that sharing the pain (with others, fellow bloggers for example) helps it ease.
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This is a wonderful list of steps, emotions and all you have gone through. It should give much comfort to others, I feel that is your “gift” to encourage expression of feelings and finding oneself to love. I appreciate that you are able to handle things and are on the path to enjoying solitude, and its accompanying peace.
Thanks for commenting that you felt I have a ‘gift’. A good friend of mine made a similar comment. She is quite close to me so I felt she was just being nice. Maybe there IS potential there… for making some other life to make of myself.
Divorce hurts. After I ended my five year marriage, I was broken. Can’t imagine 40 years. It sounds like you are healing in the most self honoring way and I truly acknowledge that.
Broken is a good description. My usual tactic after things break was to to fix them. This time ‘fixing’ did not work. So I tried healing. When that did not work I tried transforming. I am in the middle of that now.
I have found your story fascinating – about how you changed your name etc but then found your way back to your old self. I am coming round to that …. realising that some parts of the old me are worthwhile to keep.
Thanks for your supportive comment.
I am going offline for three weeks now.
Have a great Christmas.
Thank you. :). That’s why blogging is so cool, right? It’s such a supportive environment…. At least that has been my experience. I hope you enjoy the next few weeks.
Blessings and love for the new year ahead,
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