GRIEVING We

40 WEEKS TO END ‘WE’

When my husband left me I grieved my lost marriage and family unit with stages of PAIN, ANGER, and feeling ALONE sweeping around me in no particular order, and SADNESS pervading my mood the whole time. The practical, legal and financial SPLITTING of our assets was overwhelming and needed to be slotted in amongst my emotional survival. Despite the turmoil, I determined to march on to ‘me’ and I devised ways of celebrating life with various techniques of COMFORT until finally LETTING GO. At the end of 40 weeks, my achievement was being able to stand up as a single person, as an individual, free of the coupledom that was. Here are the steps I took to end ‘we’…

Week 1. PAIN. Shock and pain
Week 2. SADNESS and ALONE. Alone. Feeling the absence of ‘we’
Week 3. ANGER. Spring clean – my first response to anger
Week 4. ANGER. Journal – my second response to anger and other negative feelings
Week 5. ANGER. Captain of my soul – my third response to anger. Invictus
Week 6. SPLITTING. First financial meeting – back in shock and pain.
Week 7. COMFORT. Living for today and reclaiming me – my focus starts to turn to me
Week 8. COMFORT. Time and space and reflecting on Life’s illusions
Week 9. ALONE. First steps on my own – starting to do things on my own
Week 10. ALONE. If it is to be, it is up to me – writing down my aims for ‘me’
Week 11. SPLITTING. All about ‘stuff’ – revelling in an uncluttered life
Week 12. ALONE. A little bit of humour – my response to feeling flat. Joining the other club.
Week 13 PAIN. No more mountains. My vision for taking life one step at a time
Week 14. LETTING GO. Detachment. Becoming true to myself
Week 15. ALONE. Aloneness. Embracing solitude
Week 16. ALONE. Embracing singeldom. Finding my passion
Week 17. COMFORT. Days like this. Finding peace and joy in summer days
Week 18. LETTING GO. Somebody that I used to know. Emotional detachment from ‘we’.
Week 19. SADNESS. Broken Family. Being there for my children
Week 20. LETTING GO. Disentanglement. Freeing my half of the whole
Week 21. ALONE. Two anniversaries. Reaching milestones on my own
Week 22. PAIN. Reality check. Have I reached acceptance or am I stuck back in denial?
Week 23. SPLITTING. My divorce code. Thinking about the property settlement
Week 24. COMFORT. Back to my roots. All about my extended family
Week 25. PAIN. Less soul searching – more panic. Feeling overwhelmed again.
Week 26. COMFORT. Almost Spring begins. Writing it all down.
Week 27. SADNESS and LETTING GO. Memories. Looking back on our family life
Week 28. SPLITTING. Second wave of pain. Reality check.
Week 29. SADNESS and COMFORT. Kindness. Nourishment to my soul
Week 30. COMFORT. Writing in the dark. Making the most of storms
Week 31. COMFORT. Milestones. Experiencing family time alone together
Week 32. COMFORT. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Learning to heal
Week 33. SPLITTING. The rings. Making a vow to be true to myself
Week 34. ALONE. Bike ride through Stanley Park. Travelling alone. One step at a time.
Week 35. SADNESS and embracing ALONENESS. Mixed emotions. Facing my new life.
Week 36. SPLITTING. Recipe for a bigger divorce pie. Agreeing to a property settlement
Week 37. LETTING GO. Letting go. Saying good-bye
Week 38. LETTING GO. The Way We Were. Remembering us
Week 39 LETTING GO. Acceptance. Acknowledging and taking responsible actions
Week 40. LETTING GO. Forgiveness. Forever Give up up resentment, take back control

With 40 weeks since separation behind me, and having worked through these 40 steps away from ‘we’ – one step for each year of our partnership – I then felt empowered to create my own new life as ‘me’.

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COMFORT AND GRATITUDE
During my journey from ‘we’ to ‘me’, at times the path was rough. At those times, I felt it was important to stop for a while and reflect on how far I had come, what I had and how much I had gained since my journey began. At those times, I sometimes leaned on others, embraced solitude, lived for today, or experienced a joyful time. After stopping and resting, I resumed my journey. These are my reflections during periods of rest, gratitude and joy.

1. My gratitude list
2. My Family and Friends
3. My roots, and branches and wings of all the people in my life I am grateful for.
4. I’ve Learned
5. I Can See Clearly Now
6. Living for today
7. Spring
8. Bike Ride
9. New memories
10. New family order
11. Circle of life
12. Last child
13. On being a parent
14. Live Life List
15. Feeling good
16. Ithaca
17. Fun, Joy, Happiness
18. Contentment
19. A little ray of sunshine

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This is a summary of the end of various aspects of splitting a marriage of 37 years.

• PHYSICAL the end of we
• PRACTICAL. His inside “stuff”
• PRACTICAL. His outside “stuff”
• PRACTICAL. Our inside “stuff”
• SYMBOLIC. The rings
• EMOTIONAL. Detachment
• EMOTIONAL. Disentanglement
• EMOTIONAL. The end of us
• EMOTIONAL. Forgiveness
• EMOTIONAL Memories, thoughts, feelings.
• DIVORCE. At 23 months.post separation. August 2013.
• FINANCIAL. Our first settlement meeting
• FINANCIAL. My divorce code
• FINANCIAL. Recipe for a divorce pie
• FINANCIAL. Wading through the mud.
• FINANCIAL. More wading through the mud.
• FINANCIAL. It is signed.
• VALUES Clash of values
• VALUES. Unfairness.