I have a vision and I am setting my goals for the future. The clouds surrounding the emotional pain of my divorce are beginning to lift. There is no surer way of ridding myself of the baggage of the past than by focussing on the future. Up until now that has not been possible. Up until now, looking towards the future has filled me with fear and anxiety. Up until now, I have brushed future plans aside. I have instead focused on getting ‘over’ things (the sadness of the past) or getting ‘through’ things (the divorce settlement). Both have been emotionally and physically draining. Today, however, I feel energized. For this reason, I feel that I am moving into the exciting new phase of my future.
My energy levels have been noticeably “less-than-normal” since the ending of my marriage. Whilst they have ebbed and flowed, they have also followed a pattern. When I am in pain, I have no energy. When I am angry (an energy-charged emotion) I have short bursts of activity which I try and direct into something positive but the emotional overtone throws me back into pain and the subsequent negative energy thus cancels out any perceived energy gain. When I am sad or frustrated I have limited energy which I can disguise. That is, I can get things done as long as I look after myself.
When I say ‘in pain’, I mean emotional pain which can be as great as some types of physical pain. There is also what I call ‘practical pain’. In the case of divorce, that is the pain of dealing with all the mess (splitting personal effects, property settlement etc). So I have had the practical pain of dealing with the mess and the emotional pain of “it is not fair that I have had the mess to deal with” attitude.
It was not easy but I found ridding myself of the emotional pain has made the practical pain a lot easier. It has still been hard going. I could get things done, even though all the time I was doing those things I knew I did not want to be doing them. At those times, I felt vulnerable and needy. I was living life with a black cloud pressing down on me.
Today I feel the black cloud disappearing, its heavy weight lifting. Instead of seeing those remaining ‘practical’ things as something I begrudgingly have to do, I now see them as a necessary step in order to move into my new life.
In summary, this is how I feel my energy levels have gradually risen upwards as I move into changing my life:
Level 1. I am in pain.
I have no energy, no life.
All energy is directed into mere survival.
Level 2. I have needs.
I have limited energy.
I move as if trudging through mud.
All energy is directed into getting myself stronger.
I focus on my needs and providing myself with a sense of security.
Stability and routine are important. They provide me with a blanket of comfort.
Friends and family are important to me, for me, for comforting me.
I have little energy for giving back to others.
Level 3. I have a dream
I have energy.
I am making choices.
I am making plans and goals.
I am empowered.
Level 4. I am doing
I am energized.
I am creating.
I am acting on my goals.
I am persisting.
I am passionate.
I am strong.
I am achieving.
I am giving back to others.
Level 5. I am being
I am at peace
I am celebrating
I am grateful
I am.
What Level Am I Up To?
I believe i am now in the third “dreaming” phase.
You may ask how I know what the fourth and fifth levels will be if I have not yet been through them.
That is the beauty of reaching the “dreaming” phase.
In that phase I can plan whatever I want for the next phases.
I can choose them. I can create them.
That is my liberation.
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You may also want to read –
Staying Strong by Ian Munro. Leading Essentially
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Image courtesy:[artur84]:FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Spring into Summer 
Looking forward while living in the present moment … awesome Elizabeth!
Yes, quite empowering.
Thanks
Delighted to hear you are moving forward, Elizabeth. Keep your eye on levels 4 and 5 and you will get there.
I read recently that racing-car drivers that keep their eye on the bend, crash into the wall; whereas the drivers that keep their eye on the road ahead win the race.
So you are right, if I keep my eyes looking ahead I am sure I will get there in the end.
Thanks for your supportive comment.
Elizabeth, I can relate to this so much, and you did an excellent job describing the five levels of energy. I continue to feel like I am moving from a place of survival to one of thriving, and using your levels, I am transition from Level 3 to Level 4, slowly, but surely. Yesterday, two different people commented that I am in “the prime of your life”, and that has resonated with me. I am ready to thrive, and I know that you are, too. Let’s do this!
Yes, let’s do it 🙂
Beautiful post! And thanks for the acknowledgement! What I love is the marriage between your types of pain and levels 4&5 of your 5 levels of energy. I equate practical pain to doing. We can tolerate doing if we are happy being. I would propose it is hard to be happy when we are bearing emotional pain. How do these thoughts resonate with you?
Hmm… so should one aim to march towards ‘happy’ or to leave behind ‘pain’.
They are not mutually exclusive – you can do both by focussing on the positive of marching forward.Great post! You will get there.
Thanks Catterel, I appreciate that thought and will do my best to keep my eye on the prize.
Elizabeth I love the last bit where you say:
You may ask how I know what the fourth and fifth levels will be if I have not yet been through them.
That is the beauty of reaching the “dreaming” phase.
In that phase I can plan whatever I want for the next phases.
I can choose them. I can create them.
That is my liberation.
When looking as your phases I couldn’t help thinking that I did level 3 and am now in some form of level 2, putting financial legs on level 3.
This post is well layed out and I’ve gotten a lot of it!
Diana xo
I see several parts to my life (me, finances, people, work, meaning, community etc) and some parts are all over the place. However, the inner “me” that is driving my ship has moved onto # 3. So I have accepted that I will have to drag the other parts along with me or fix them up so that they become aligned with where I am at. I will explain more in my next post. In regard to your own situation, If you feel that “you” (the inner you) has moved onto # 3 (or even 4) then I believe addressing the finances (and your other needs) is all part of moving forward in that new venture and rebuilding your new self.
How exciting 🙂
Thanks Elizabeth! That makes perfect sense!
Diana xo
This is so hope filled and helps me to better understand what a dear friend is going through. I have witnessed her moving up the levels gradually but steadily (she appreciated me voicing this observation of her progress).
Blessings ~ Wendy
Thanks. I really appreciate you dropping by and I am encouraged by you saying that my words helped your friend. It is true that when we are in a place we do not want to be we need to feel that we are moving forward (or upward), even if painfully and slowly. May she continue on that journey to a better place.
Thanks again for stopping by.
Love this. I also love the levels of energy you broke down.
Thanks.
I SO know what you mean re energy. When I left my marriage, in the months leading up to my leaving, such was the pull of my husband for me to stay to fulfil his wants of my existence, and then the anxiety on getting into a bedsitter alone, finding a job etc – I had premature menopause, my gynaecologist said, and hence was infertile. My periods just stopped.
Absolutely, how your energy pulls. But the way you write the steps above – excellent, as I now recognise those phases.
To liberty.
Yes, to liberty and the energy that it will provide me. Thanks.
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